Psychiatrist Ousted for Curing Patients

Funny story written by Elvin F. Verdad

Tuesday, 15 August 2006

image for Psychiatrist Ousted for Curing Patients
The "Psych Patient Panacea"

Birmingham Psychiatrist Dr. Hiebold Moranis was recently stripped of his credentials and permanently banned from Psychiatric practice because of his record of curing patients rather than "treating" their symptoms. His actions were deemed contrary to modern psychiatric practice by the licensing board and by the Psychiatric Profit Society.

Dr. Moranis raised the ire of his colleagues and the licensing board because he employed a non-approved method of diagnosis and treatment, involving actual medical testing for underlying conditions, medical treatment as needed, nutrition, allergy treatments, de-tox programs and sometimes a stern talking to. So far, all of Dr. Moranis' patients were "cured" in a time period from 1 week to 3 months. By survey, 97.3% of Dr. Moranis' patients rated his services as "excellent", compared with the 2.1% average rating of psychiatrists in the area. This astonishing patient response was what drew attention to Dr. Moranis in the first place. The Birmingham Civic Bugler newspaper called Dr. Moranis the "Psych Patient Panacea". Dr. Moranis bristled at the title, stating "I don't think of my clients as patients, I think of them as friends and I treat them like people. Sometimes people have a hard time in life and they need a little help or even advice. They do not need a psychiatrist talking down to them and telling them they have some permanent illness that only exists to make the psychiatrists rich. They certainly don't need a lifetime of false labels, drugs, shocks to the brain, lobotomies, etc."

The licensing bureau's statement says it all. "We can't have just anyone going around and ‘curing' patients, now can we?" stated the Dr. Steven Dubiouski of the licensing bureau, "I mean really, how do we know that his patients were cured? Just because they feel better, go back to work and have successful lives is no reason to not give them a lifetime of psychiatric treatment. With standard psychiatric treatment, cure is impossible but you can be assured that they will be in treatment for the rest of their lives, which, of course, is better for everyone. When someone is cured and released, you just never know what might happen. They are free to do anything they want. They might even run for parliament, or might someday have something else go wrong. Under psychiatric care, we avoid all this mystery, because the person will always be a mental patient, simple, stress-free, and will be supporting the industry that got him where he is, psychiatry and drug companies. Surely anyone with half a brain fried by ECT or drugs can see that."

A spokesperson for the Psychiatric Profit Society had this to say, "Psychiatrists and drug companies have rather expensive offices, homes and golf course memberships to maintain. We depend upon each patient to bring in tens of thousands of pounds during their lifetime. Dr. Moranis seems to care more about his patients than his fellow psychiatrists."

After receiving word that he could no longer practice psychiatry, Dr. Moranis shrugged his shoulders and said "modern psychiatrists are mostly just pill pushers these days anyways; we should all ask ourselves whether modern psychiatric treatment is designed to help the patient, or to help the pharmaceutical companies." He voluntarily resigned his membership in the Psychiatric Profit Society, citing that he disagreed with victimizing innocent people for profit, no matter how many BMWs you can buy with the ill-gained money.

In an interview for the Daily Newslammer, Dr. Moranis opened up and told the story of why his work diverges so radically from ‘standard' psychiatry. "I spent 17 years practicing psychiatry. I would listen to people for a few minutes, make a decision on which label to ‘diagnose' them, then scribble out a prescription for whichever drug the pharmaceutical company sales representative wanted to push that particular month," said Dr. Moranis. "Then one day, I received three new patients funneled through the TeenScreen program, a sort of ‘marketing program' where they screen children for mental illness, convince the child and the parents that they have a brain disease, then send them off for treatment. All three children came in with their parents and had a slip of paper from the TeenScreeners. One child's slip stated that he was sent for a diagnosis of Clinical Depression, another one was for Anxiety Disorder. The third was some gibberish about suspected paranoid delusional tendencies with schizophrenia and ADHD with possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. All the parents seemed a little bewildered by the whole experience. None of them had even given permission for the TeenScreen. In this school district they used what was called passive consent, where if a parent didn't stand up on the nearest car bonnet and scream NO, their child was screened."

"The parents wanted help for their children, if they needed it, but none of them really wanted my standard 5-minute diagnosis/prescription. I decided to play along and really check out every possible cause for their children's difficulties, and then I could write my prescriptions and feel good about it. However, the oddest thing happened; I completely cured all three children in a matter of a few weeks. Little Johnny had food allergies, corn and eggs, that caused his anxiety. Once we modified his diet, no more anxiety. The next child, Jason, was simply saddened over his grandfather's recent passing. I talked with him a bit, sent him off to his local minister for a little succor and a talk about life, death, etc. and he was fine. The third child, Martin, was a little more serious. He actually had an undetected case of cancer of the lymph nodes which was causing his erratic behavior and disturbing feelings. I arranged for him to get cancer treatment from a local university and his mental symptoms went away within two weeks of starting treatments for his illness. Their astounding recoveries from permanent, incurable psychiatric disorders perplexed me. So I tried it on another patient. I found that the less I used psychiatric methods, the better my patients became."

"I reported the success with Johnny, Jason and Martin to the TeenScreening staff and they promptly dropped me off the referral list. Evidently they don't care much about whether parents and children are happy with the treatment, they only want the children to get psychiatric treatment."

Dr. Moranis is continuing his work into finding and addressing the true causes of mental illness symptoms. He is hoping to find a cure for psychiatrism, the desire to become a psychiatrist, falsely label others as mentally ill, and then to treat them with harmful methods for a profit.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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