Ron and Fred: Keg bitter.

Funny story written by Tommy Twinkle

Monday, 11 January 2016

image for Ron and Fred: Keg bitter.
Takes a long time to go.

Ron: No keg Fred, so I got you the usual.
Fred: Just thought it'd make a change. Nehmind, they waitin' on a delivery then?
Ron: No, gaffer reckons all the breweries stopped making keg bitter araand twenny odd years ago. I said to 'im, I said you ought to av a sign up behind the bar so as people will know.
Fred: They don't tell yer nuffin now Ron, just do as they please without any warnin'.
Ron: He reckoned there was a sign up abaht it for a time and then they took it dahn.
Fred: No consideration at all.

Ron: Gaffer's only, what, forty-six, forty-seven. That's why.
Fred: Why what?
Ron: People under sixty don't realise Fred, that when yer turn sixty the ol' time seems t' go faster. Twenty years ago to them seems like a couple o' years ago to us.
Fred: And we remember some fings but not others.
Ron: Yep. Should've left the sign up.

Fred: I won't see sixty again, Ron.
Ron: Nor me, but what I'm sayin' is that sixty is when it starts t' kick in. Body wearin' out.
Fred: I noticed it from abaht sixty-one. Got up from a seat t' get off a train, and 'ad t' sit dahn again. Dizzy. Hadn't been drinkin, so it wasn't the drink.
Ron: Dizzy spells, aching joints, eyes go, hearing goes. All kicked off at sixty with me. Tried t' run for a bus, me arms were moving like fast pistons but me legs were just sort of makin' walkin' movements. Been like it ever since.

Fred: And from the age of sixty it takes longer t' go.
Ron: What, the bus?
Fred: No, to go. Y'know, when yer need t' go.

Ron: Oh, to go. I'm slow t' start, slow durin', and then drip, drip, drip t' finish.
Fred: That's me - drip, drip, drip. I find a little shake helps sometimes.
Ron: Like an old tap mine is. Dodgy washer.
Fred: I used to av a strong flow with the keg. Happy memories.

Ron: That's where this government is gettin' it all the wrong way raand, Fred. I mean wiv the state pension age rises.
Fred: Prime Minister says if too many people refuse to kick the bucket then they've only got themselves t' blame. Says the young people can't afford t' pay for the pensions.
Ron: Make state pension age sixty for both sexes Fred, that's the answer.
Fred: Papers say the country can't afford it.

Ron: Rubbish. For the past twenty years the problem has been too many older people working on past sixty, keeping their bums on the seats of jobs. That's led to there being millions of young people being held back on the ladder of promotion. They're over qualified for what they're doing, Fred. Employers paying out less wages because so many youngsters are available and qualified to do the jobs, and for anyone getting promoted there's thousands who remain on the lower rungs. They should already be doing jobs higher up the ladder and earning the money so that those pensions would be easily paid for from their wages. Country needs vibrancy.

Fred: Must be frustrating for young people, to know they're more than able to do the job of a sixty-year old who can't even run for a bus.
Ron: The young can get to work quicker than the average bus, and get the morning's work done before the sixty year old has even arrived there. So lucky this country is to have the clever young people we have today. Young alert minds, ready and eager to bring this country into the twenty-first century, but being held back by a government with its nose stuck in the fifteenth. And think of how long it takes an over sixties person to visit the loo during working time. Drip, drip, drip.

Fred: Well, all I know is this. Yer lis'nin?
Ron: Yep, I'm lis'nin.

Fred: All I know is that when I was younger and drinking the keg bitter, I definitely had a very strong and healthy flow. You're right in sayin' that both sexes should get the state pension at sixty, but I don't think it'd work without the keg. I firmly believe it was what gave me the flow I had, it was the keg bitter, Ron. So if this country needs a strong flow from its young workers, and it does, then the Prime Minister is going to have to order the breweries to bring back the keg.

Ron: The Prime Minister! That drip definitely takes a long time t' go.
Your round. I'm off t' the gents. I may be gone for some time!


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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