Helen Flanagan Haunted By Traumatic Supermarket Excursion

Written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 18 November 2012


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Helen Flanagan Haunted By Traumatic Supermarket Excursion
Scroll Up For The Boobies

Coronation Street's Helen Flanagan - also known as Rosie Webster, and the one who constantly bottles it on 'I'm A Celebrity! - Get Me Out Of Here!' today revealed in an exclusive interviewwith Skoob Entertainment News stalwart Buffty Ginslinger, that she was left deeply traumatised following a visit to Asda. In Bolton.

"It was terrifying," Ms Flanagan related to Ginslinger. "An absolute nightmare. Before I'd even got through the door a security guard ordered me to put a jumper on to cover up my acres of cleavage. Because I was wearing a skimpy bikini top which barely covered my girly bumps. And things just got worse after that."

Nodding understangly, and wishing he was somewhere else - preferably in a public house surrounded by nubile Russian prostitutes and slurping G&Ts whilst sucking on a Players Navy Cut in defiance of the smoking ban - Buffty Ginslinger scratched his teeth as he impatiently waited for Ms "Papsy" Flanagan to get the fuck onwith whatever it was she was trying to say...

"I couldn't take it," she admitted. "I've never witnessed such brutality before. Not even in Bolton." "Oh for fuck's sake, get on with it you ditzy bint," Ginslinger declared.

"The fucking pubs are open and you're wasting valuable drinking time. I know and fully appreciate that you have an impressive set of top bollocks, and that you can probably administer a mind blowing soapy tit wank - but get to the fucking point. I'm dehydrating here..."

"You're a bit rude," Helen replied. "And you look like a pervert. And that's almost as scary as Asda. In Bolton. Which is, like, really, really scary...terrifying. I mean - it started off with fruit and vegetables...torn out of the ground...or ripped off trees...and just left there to bleed fruit and vegetable blood..."

"Are you quite sure about this interview?" Ginslinger interjected. "Because quite frankly, you're sort of coming across as a fruit loop...Nice breasts and all that...but still a fruit loop..."

"Ah,you just don't get this at all Buffty!" Ms Flanagan (Alias Rosie Webster out of Corrie - just in case you were losing interest, dear reader) ejaculated.

"They'd taken razor sharp blades to defenceless potatoes, slicing them up, and then dropping the slices into boiling oil. Some people say 'that's just crisps' but I call it vegetable brutality...especially when they rub salt and vinegar into the wounds...

"And they had chickens...or what was left of them. They cut their heads and feet off, tore their feathers off, ripped their guts out and then they have the audacity to display these mutilated corpses in their chilled sections, wrapped in clingfilm and dumped in a polystyrene tray. They're like serial killers. I mean - what's the difference between those Asda sadists and Attilla The Hun? Or Charlie Chaplin? It makes me sick to think about it.

"And then they've got bits of cows and sheep and pigs with their bones! - all cut up by some sick sadist and put on display for even kids to see...it reminded me of those confiscation camps that the video nasties used to run... In the Urinals. Or wherever it was. How sick is that?

"I shan't be shopping at Asda again. Especially not in Bolton. It's all a bit yucky and serial killerish. And the fly in the limousine was the final straw...that did my head right in..."

At which point, Buffty Ginslinger made his excuses and buggered off down the pub. Where he met Crafty Cockney dart playing 'athlete' Eric Bristow - who remarked: "I didn't get where I am today by not eating brutally slaughtered cuddly animal body parts. In curries and Sunday roasts and kebabs and that. She's a waste of fucking space as far as I'm concerned."

"He is sooo not with it - the pot bellied Cockney dart chucking fuckwit," said Rosie.

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more