Five Years Ago To The Very Day - Local Man Reminisces

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Saturday, 19 May 2012


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There Will Be Blood - It's Inevitable Really

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today quite uncharacteristically reminisced about this very day - except five years ago in the year of Our Lord, 2007.

"United lost the FA Cup Final to Chelsea," Shuttlecock grumbled. "Gutted I was. Oh yeah, and I got married after fifteen years of dithering. I knew there was something..."

Uncertain whether Shuttlecock was being serious or not, Skoob News checked the records at Titchfield Registry Office, and surprisingly, a record exists from 2007 of the marriage of Martin and Anne Shuttlecock.

"Of course there's a bleedin' record of it!" Shuttlecock remarked. "It was a great day - apart from the Cup Final..."

Shuttlecock revealed that the wedding was strictly for immediate family and the closest of friends, and that he and Anne had agreed to stage an intimate reception at their modest home.

"We had the grandkids with us, as bridesmaids and that," Shuttlecock chuckled. "The wife thought it'd be great if we hired a limo to take us to the Registry Office from home. How was I to know she'd hire a frigging fire engine? But that's what she did. We travelled to the ceremony in a big red bastard fire engine! The kids loved it. I wouldn't mind so much, but I'm not even a fireman. I did once go into a burning house because somebody said there were kids trapped inside...but that's another story."

It transpires that the night before the wedding, Shuttlecock and a couple of male family members erected gazebos and lights in the back garden. Until about four am.

"I was knackered when I got up in the morning," Shuttlecock said. "And I was shaking like a shitting dog. Not from the booze either. Christ I was more nervous that morning than I've ever been in me life. I had to have a couple of stiff brandies before we set off. Then just as I'd calmed down and gone out to the fire engine, the wife came out looking like a million dollars and I almost shat meself."

The ceremony was uneventful, other than the best man (A Cockney) turning up looking like an extra out of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and the wife's best mate having to go up the hospital because of a medical condition, and the daughters all going "EEEuuurrrrgh!" when the Registraer said "You may now kiss the bride."

Following that, it was champagne all the way.

Informal speeches followed, the barbie was struck up, and a good time was had by all. Apart from the son-in-law who fell asleep on the new sofa, and the crushing disappointment of the Cup Final.

Undeterred, the partygoers dutifully partied on. Grub was scoffed, the wedding cake was butchered, and the bride and groom danced the wedding dance to this:The Wedding Dance Song Shuttlecock related that the song was appropriate, because he's half Irish himself, and if the Van man likes hats he can't be all bad.

"We did a slow waltz round the dining room. Just us," Shuttlecock explained. "Well, more like the wife did a slow waltz - I just held on..."

The record shows that the occasion was a happy one, and that nobody started fighting - which makes a welcome change in the Shuttlecock household. The Sunday was spent 'recovering' and on the Monday, the newlyweds jetted off to Rome on honeymoon, staying on the prestigious 'La Dolce Vita' Roman avenue 'Via Veneto'

"We weren't sure where to go to be honest," Shuttlecock revealed. "We sort of telepathically agreed it should be Italy. You see, the previous year I'd proposed to her on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence, and we were determined to finally go through with it, after fifteen years of pissballing about. We'd been to Rome a few times, and we both loved it - so, Rome it was! Arrivederci and all that bollocks. So we went to Rome, and it was as glorious as ever, and I was only sick once!"

All this was five years ago - what of today?

"We'll either go out to celebrate," Shuttlecock revealed. "Or I'll cook an intimate dinner for two. She loves egg and black pudding muffins. You never know, we might even turn the telly off for a bit and do the dance again - the one with the Irish fella in the hat, singing."

At which point, our Skoob News reporter got a bit irate and asked Shuttlecock in a rather menacing fashion if he ever takes anything seriously?

"You want serious?" Shuttlecock snarled back. "I'll give you serious! I love that woman more than life itself. I know that she's way too good for me, and I don't deserve her, but I do love her. I'd die for her. Every single day we have is a blessing. Right? Piss off!"

Anne And Martin Shuttlecock celebrate their fifth wedding anniversary today, May 19th, 2012.

Three cheers for the happy couple...hip hip...never mind...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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