Letters To The Editor From Famous Opium Addicts

Funny story written by IainB

Sunday, 18 March 2012


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Marcus Aurelius - crack head.

Last week, we asked for celebrity opiate users to drop us a line and tell us about the highs and the lows of their addiction.

Unfortunately, all the famous opium users are now dead.

Fortunately, Derek Acorah popped into the Spoof offices and was able to contact famous opium users from across the centuries.

There was a downside to this, as Derek Acorah popped into the Spoof offices this week and was able to contact famous opium users from across the centuries.

After an intense seance session with a funny smelling smoke in the room that left us all with the munchies, Derek contacted some dead celebrities and asked them about their addiction.

Bela Lugosi declined to answer, but below are those responses we did receive.

Dear Derek,

Thanks for your call. Unfortunately I cannot get to the land-to-the-living line right now. Your call is important to me. Obviously not important enough to pick up when you actually call, but slightly more important than a cold call from an ice cream salesman. It is important enough for me to ask you to leave a message after the tone.


Amy Winehouse.

Dear Derek,

I was kind of hoping that my tedious addiction to the demon drug would never come to light. However, like a lamp shining through the darkness, the truth often illuminates the dark crevices of a person's real face. Whilst it is true I used opiates to remove the horror of what I had perceived, one could hardly call me an addict. Yes, I stole it from the hospital supplies, and yes, I used it every day, and once left a man in terrible pain so that I could travel to the land of bliss, but I would not call it an addiction. I would ask that you keep this our little secret.


Florence Nightingale.

Hey Derek dude,

I got a message that you wanted to know about opium addiction? Hell, it's wonderful man. The highs are so high that you fly, but the lows are a real bummer. But you gotta balance it out, right? If you can stay high, there is no low. You catch my meaning? It's Nirvana dude, see what I did there? If you've got the cash, I'd say go for it. You won't care that you'll be dead by twenty-seven, cos it don't matter. One thing I will say is that this place I'm at now is like one massive freakin rehab centre. I wish when I died I'd gone to the other place. Here there's no booze, no drugs, no sex, man no sex. No wonder they call it Hell.

Keep it real,

Kurt Cobain

Cara Derek [dear Derek]

Ego erat non opiate addicta [I was not an opium addict]. Ego opium ad tolle dolor nece uxorem et interfectus filii [I used opium to take away the pain of my murdered wife and murdered children]. Donec dolor tulit gladium habens in visceribus [Also, it took away the pain of a sword in the guts]. Ego Pater ad interfecto filius, vir ad interfectus uxorem, et dabo ultionem meam, in altera vita [I am father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next]. Evenit, ut in crastinum expectare [turns out I had to wait until the next]. Ego introducta cornelius ad ceruisa grabattum collectio societatis. [I introduced Cornelius to the beer mat collection society].

Pater ad interfecto filius, vir ad interfectus uxorem, Ego sum gladiator,

Marcus Aurelius

Hey Derek,

I don't know why you've contacted me. For a start I'm not dead. More importantly, I'm a clean living bachelor boy! I've never taken drugs, not even caffeine. Now, leave me alone with my lingerie catalogue.

Cliff Richard.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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