Arts Students

Funny story written by Indy87

Friday, 5 August 2011


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Arts Students for Justice is a not-for-profit organisation that gives Arts students a place that they can call home. For too long, these sensitive, poetic people have had to carry the weight of discrimination and hatred. The soulless automatons of science faculties throughout the country persecute these poor, defenceless Arts students. It stops here. 'This is a battle for the soul of universities everywhere', says John, Arts II in UCD, as he put his long, girlish wrists up to his forehead and gazes wistfully over Belleview campus. Lives full of passion extinguished by the disease that is hatred, many Arts students have been reduced to excessive drinking. Brian in UCG admitted that, 'yeah, we abuse our bodies by drinking Tesco lager. Every sip is a statement of self loathing' and Tony in UL found the courage to tell us that, 'it got so bad that we play a drinking game whenever we watch Premier Soccer Saturday. Anytime Kenny Cunningham raises his eyebrows we take a shot of vodka. I just want it to stop but obviously since we have so much free time, we are always thinking about it'.

Mary, 21, told us, 'I've been with my boyfriend for three years and I love him but now its different. When we the Leaving Cert together there was never a problem. When we came to college, that's when we started growing apart. He did Engineering and I did Arts… it's different now'. A recent survey in Cosmopolitan showed that the most common cause of break ups after infidelity was one half of the couple deciding to do an Arts degree. Samantha Boinkton, editor of Now, said it was a real test for a relationship and some couples never recover.

Every two minutes, an Arts student dies from 'banter', a particularly vicious flow of verbal abuse from science students, commerce graduates and anyone else with a degree that just might actually serve society. Doing an Arts degree has been shown also to have to same effect as acne: social embarrassment, isolation and eventual death. Just €2 a month will cure banter related illnesses across Ireland and other complications of Arts syndrome. Art Students for Justice offers a placement in one of our summer rehabilitation clinics. It's the Betty Ford Centre for the non-rich, non-famous but definitely messed up stars of our colleges where you will learn how to function healthily in a sick society and to love yourself when all about you are calling you a shit. Book now, for the love of God.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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