Written by armfeetandtoe

Monday, 18 July 2011


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image for Shylock Humes. And the case of the pink Oboe Player
The Pink Oboe Player Hiding in the shadows

Shylock woke with a start. His colostomy bag had leaked and he had recieved a nasty shock from the electric blanket.

"Blast!" Shylock exclaimed, as he empted the colostomy bag into the wash basin situated in his room.

"What would Mrs Miggins, his Landlady think, if she knew what he had done"? mused Shylock.

Mrs Miggins rose from the sodden sheets and towled herself down. "You mus learn to put der bag on properly at night Shylock dear, dees sheets is costin a fortune darlin".

"What are you doing in my bed Mrs Miggins!?" Exclaimed Shylock.

"I came in to empty the edgar allan dear, and fell asleep under the bed, when I wakes up, I sees you asleep, and thinks, he needs a cuddle. An thats why I now smell of piss"! Explained Mrs M.

Mrs M left the room, and Shylock got dressed. Still reeling from the shock of finding Mrs M in his bed, Shylock made his way onto Baker street. A young musician approached Shylock and asked for an audience.

"I do not carry that sort of thing around with me". Explained Shylock. "But I will listen to you play".

At the end of the young musicians durge, Shylock applauded and asked after his name.
"My name is Gerry Rafferty sir". Replied the musician. "I would change your name to..." Shylock paused for thought. "Barry Manilow, I think you will go further and it is a name the ladies will love to mention".

"Thank you sir, I will change it for my next performance at the Co-op packers Banner club". Smiled the young musician.

Shylock hailed a cab. "Royal Albert Hall please"

"Would you like to go through the Regents Park sir?" Asked the cabbie.

"Why should I want to do that?" Replied Shylock.

"Begging your pardon sir, I've got the shits, and its the safest route for someone in my position". Explained the cabbie, through postern blasts.

"We had better get going!" Shouted Shylock, "Before you get going and I'm covered in shit!"

With a crack of the whip, the cabbie drove the horse and carriage through the streets of london. At every stop, Shylock lent out of the cab window, to explain the smell was not of his doing. Some believed him, some not.

The cabbie set Shylock down outside the main entrance of the Albert Hall, he paid the fare, and hoped the cabbie had a good laundress or, a very understanding wife.

Shylock waited, and was soon joined by Dr. Wotnot.

"Hello!". Smiled Shylock, "How long has it been old friend?"

"Its always been this long". Replied Wotnot.

"Shall we go inside?" Asked Shylock.

"Yes", replied Wotnot, "But let us be careful, the Pink Oboe Player could be hiding anywhere in that vast building".

"I know, Wotnot, that is why I have asked you here, you are a good aim with a pistol, well, when you have your glasses on, in broad daylight, with a magnifying glass".

The two men entered the building, it was in darkness.

What would they find? Was the Pink Oboe Player watching them, ready to pounce? who the fuck knows.

Legend: Edgar Alan (Poe = Pisspot)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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