Written by SpoofyDoofy

Wednesday, 23 February 2011


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image for Up The Buses! - Part 13E.
BLAKEY: "I can smell steak and kidney somewhere!" STAN: "I'm heating up my pies on top of the engine!"

Blakey introducing the programme, staring unblinking into the camera and right into your living room.

BLAKEY: "You are late again aren't you? How dare you be late like that! Where have you been?

Continued from Up The Buses! - Part 13D.

Up The Buses! - Part 13D.

FLASHBACK to previous dynamic episodes that you MAY have so shamefully missed, to get you ALL up to speed!

Blakey talking to himself;

BLAKEY: "I must not get worked up. I hate Butler, but I must not get worked up! I must be jovial and kind at all times today to take the venom out of that Union trouble maker and his side kick Butler"

Blakey talking to Butler and Jack in front of the other Conductors and Drivers in the depot of Local and District Bus Traction Corp;

BLAKEY: "I have never seen anything like that! The world has gone mad Butler! The Union can't do that Flash Man! Butler and Flash Man, what the %£**&~#@ do you think you are up to?"


Blakey suddenly remembering the date, 1st April and looks to the Calendar on the wall. Blakey begins to back track;

BLAKEY: "Butler and Flash Man, I have not been officially instructed of this trip to a Brothel and you need to fill in the necessary application forms. Until they are completed and you have overcome the problem of sexism as identified by Butler for it being for men only, this trip will have to be curtailed. You will need to visit a Unisex Brothel."


JACK: "We will be visiting a Unisex Brothel and here are the application forms already filed with Local and District Bus Traction Corp. It is all in order."

BLAKEY: "Then I will purchasing a couple of tickets for the first ever, Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour!"


BLAKEY: "I have been too hasty with my ticket order of only a couple of tickets for the first ever, Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour. I will need three tickets."


Blakey holds the telephone away from his ear, as further screams come through the ear piece! Again when the screams stop, Blakey puts the telephone mouth piece next to his lips!

BLAKEY: "Yes Mrs Butler, I will do my best for your daughter Olive. I know she wants to see the Chippendales!"


ACT 5, Scene 1.

Camera 13 is positioned in the cab and we see Stan driving the bus. Stan is red faced and worried, his Mum has just told him off and he had to escape both his Mum and Sister. Stan starts to talk to himself;

STAN: "Blimey, what is the world coming to, when my Mum starts telling me off in the street? Thank heavens I got my lunch from her before we scarpered! Those pies should be warming nicely on top of the engine!"


Stan takes a brief look in his mirror into the back of the Bus.

STAN: "Typical, that Jack is having all the luck, he is talking to great looking crumpet! Wow! That crumpet is taking her top off!"


Stan looks up the road and sees passengers waiting at the next stop. Concentrating on the road, Stan maneuvers the bus through the traffic and stops at the Bus Stop. Looking into mirror that gives him a view into the back of the Bus!

STAN: "Typical! That crumpet has taken all her tops off! Now she is sitting on Jacks lap! Why did I become a Bus Driver, I'm missing out on all the action, again!"


The passengers get on and hardly look at Jack and the naked woman sitting on his knee.

STAN: "When they see that Jack is pre-occupied, they know they are going to get a free ride! Typical!"


Stan drives off from the bus stop and after a few miles, gets in sight of the Local and District Bus Traction Corp Depot!"

STAN: "Great, that hasn't taken too long! It's been so frustrating driving this bus, when I can smell those pies cooking on the engine and having to watch Jack get the best bit of crumpet sitting on his knee in the nod!"


Stan drives into the Bus Depot! As he drives in he sees Inspector Blakey just coming out of his Office.

STAN: "There is Blakey! He'll be pleased, the Bus is on time for once! That's thanks to my Mum and Sister! Bless them!"


ACT 5, Scene 2.

Camera 14 pans around Blakeys' Office and then we see Blakeys' face, which is smiling and looking cheerful!

BLAKEY: "That is the best news I have heard all day! Now I have been able to find double Decker Route Masters, all my troubles will be over!"


Blakey grinning, like a Cheshire cat, gets up from his seat! Then laughing out loud, he talks to himself!

BLAKEY: "They thought they were going to get me into trouble, because they thought I wouldn't be able to lay on the transport!"


Blakey opens the door and steps out into the Depot. Just as he does so, in come Butler's Bus. As the Bus rolls in he goes up to the Drivers Cab door.

BLAKEY: "Your Mum has been giving me an earful!"

STAN: "You're not the only one! My Mum gave me an ear bashing, that is why we were on time!"


BLAKEY: "I wondered why you were on time, I'll have to make your Mum an Inspector, perhaps then your Bus will be on time, all the time!"

STAN: "That would be fun!"

BLAKEY: "What is that smell? I can smell steak and kidney somewhere! It can't be coming from the staff canteen, because it smells too good and they are having fish and chips today!"

STAN: "I'm heating up my pies on top of the engine!"


BLAKEY: "Tell your Mum, that I have been able to find another two buses, so you will be alright returning home tonight! She warned me that if I didn't Olive would lynch all of us, if she couldn't go on the first ever, Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour and see the Chippendales!"

STAN: "Thank Gawd for that!"


ACT 5, Scene 3.

Camera 15 pans around the back of Stan and Jacks' Bus! The doors haven't opened yet as Jack is entertaining this nude women on his knee and everybody else is gossiping too much they haven't realised that the Bus is in the Depot. From the side of the bus appears Blakey, who realizing that nobody has got out and the doors are still closed, peers in through the window!

BLAKEY: "Gawd and blimey, that Jack has a naked woman sitting on his knee!"

Blakey taps on the window, but nobody pays him any attention!

BLAKEY: "Oih, you have a cheek!"


Blakey opens the door with his Inspectors key, to over ride the internal locking mechanism.

BLAKEY: "What do you call this then?"

JACK: "Hello Inspector Blake, may I introduce you to Lady Godiva!"

BLAKEY: "I thought Lady Godiva was in Coventry!"


JACK: "Well, Lady Godiva has come down to get her tickets for the Local and District Bus Traction Brothel Tour to see the Chippendales! Be a good soldier will you Blakey, please collect the money from the passengers for their tickets. My machine is there! Thanks chum!"

BLAKEY: "Yes, righty ho! Whatever you say!"

As Inspector Blake completes Jacks job, one of the passengers speaks out;

ERSKIN QUINT: "Well, this is bizarre. 5 Stars for its bizarreness!"


Commercial Break;
 Advert for Radion, Oxydol and Tide washing powders plus a bottle of Jif as Stan's Mum attempts to wash Stan's clothes in the bath.
 Jack buying a Clarkson package holiday using Court Line from Luton Airport.
 Stan eating Smiths crisps, Monster Munch, Salt and Shake, Salt and Shake flavoured, Chipsticks in a Bernie Inn.
 Olive drinking TAB as part of her slimming programme, to lose weight!
 Jack buying an Icebreaker choc bar at the Ultramar filling Station.
 Olive studying the 'Super-Advanced' Offside Rule For Women at an Adult Learning Evening Class.
 Mrs Butler cleaning her dishes with Sunlight washing-up liquid!


Up The Buses! - Part 13F to follow soon!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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