How to Survive Overseas for Idiots (namely, you)

Funny story written by ForthrightNews

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Never go outside at night, its when the bogeyman roams and witches eat children who stay up too late and werewolves come out

Suggestions are italicized.

-The airplane has taken off, you're flying, and... The plane starts to shake. Turbulence gets worse, and then the plane is plummeting towards earth. When this happens, go to the bathroom, you never know when you'll get a chance to do so on the random island you crash into, and natives will laugh at you if you go on yourself.

-Legend says that there was once a Jew who mocked Jesus when he was on his way to the cross. The man was cursed to wander the world until the so-called second coming. In the meantime, he is said to have worked as a shoemaker, a peddler, stock exchange broker, and more recently flight attendant. If you see him on the plane, don't ask about his past, he gets real touchy. Also, try not to make jokes about people you see passing by, or you too may become a flight attendant.

-If you do end up becoming a flight attendant, please don't jump off the plane like a certain someone, it scares the crap out of people.

-Speaking of strange legends, when flying, watch out for sky island. Its a famous vacationing location for birds and bad pilots, but the only exit is to jump off, and 30,000 ft. is a pretty long drop. Also, it may be impossible to stand on an imaginary island.

-When sick in a foreign country, avoid quacks. They look just like ordinary doctors, however they usually lack an MD and instead have a few certificates 'of patient death ' around their office. They may give you an evil laugh when treating, and they have abnormal and often suspicious hairdos. Note that people get sick when leaving their office.

-Make friends, but be careful when you do. As Descartes said, "I am myself." The only thing you can be sure of and trust is yourself. People tell stories of evil done by friends, but never good done by them. You are most likely to be hurt with someone you know present unless you're a hermit. So overall, you can't trust anyone, and everyone is going to hurt you, and they're all chasing after you. But don't be paranoid.

-As a friend of mine once said, you can survive on $30 a week for food, unless you go for hummus. Note however, that the word humus mean the dirty ground. In a similar vein, burrito means little donkey. Even the famous gyro means a turn, but I ask you, a turn in what?
Beware of what you eat.

-Always research local history, so that you know how much the people you're staying with hate Americans, and thereby how likely they are to kick your arsch. So, for historical reasons, make sure you know martial arts or are able to impersonate another nationality. Speaking a lot even in the local tongue signifies that you're American, because empty vessels are believed to make more sound. Remain quiet and you would be complying to Chinese culture... Although you don't look it...

-An American negotiator was communicating with Saddam Hussein near the end of Desert Storm. He sat with his feet facing Saddam. Saddam left the room in fury before the negotiations even began. In many cultures, including Arab, it is considered a grave insult to stick your foot out at people. A Laotian sat with his feet facing a Thai singer, who, after the song finished, shot the Laotian. Don't act like that Laotian; listening to Thai music is stupid.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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