Downeaster News: Hot Breaking Snippets from Coastal Maine #1

Funny story written by Morse

Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Downeaster News: Hot Breaking Snippets from Coastal Maine #1
The Maine State Bug as it Appears on License Plates Along Coast!

The hot bean supper at the Eastbrook Grange was interrupted last night
when the wind shifted.

Amy Fiddlefinger said the Grange hoped to reschedule sometime in September when the Canadian breezes picked up helping to 'clear the air' around the yearly festivities which left many disappointed bean fanciers 'unfulfilled.'

The Calais Trading Post announced today that due to the unfortunate demise of the moose hit by the Ellsworth Falls Lobster Bait truck outside of the premises late last night, they would be featuring 'American Chop Suey' all this week.

Price of $4.99 includes unlimited refills, 2 pieces of corn bread, coffee and
wild blueberry squares for dessert. Moose Pellet jewelry also on sale including lucky charms, necklaces, and ankle bracelets.

Mr. and Mrs. Martyn Fiskwicket of Franklin, announce the engagement of their son, Martyn Jr. to Amy Lou Fiskwicket of Beales Island. Amy was the leading scorer and named to the Maine State HS All American basketball team, and Martyn Jr. was an outstanding cross country track star while also supporting himself as a beaver trapper during the winter months.

Said the mother of the bride, "we're so happy that they've found each other.
They look so much alike it's hard to believe they're not brother & sister."

Conservation officers are investigating an abandoned vintage Volkswagen found on a side road in Blue Hill with a dead deer inside.

Forensic investigators found the 1968 antique car with it's motor running, 2 empty six packs of Molson Ale, a destroyed interior, and a 154 pound 7 point buck dead inside, impaled on the gear shift.

Further investigation revealed a grazing bullet wound to the buck's head, leading investigators to conclude that the owner of the vehicle had poached the dear, but had only knocked it out. One could only surmise the villain's surprise when the deer regained consciousness in the backseat of the car and attempted to flee from it's confined space.

Registered owner of the car, Norman Getwright, with a long history of poaching, said it wasn't him since he had been home all night drunk after spending all day on the 'flats' where he had harvested 4 pecks of quahogs.

Mrs. Getwright was not in residence at the time, neighbors saying she had left home in a hurry during the middle of the night driving the family's Sears ride on lawnmower, claiming she was off to visit her mother in Eastham.

Four wormers were rescued from Taunton Bay today after they inadvertently stepped into a 'honey hole' while harvesting blood worms. Local wormers scoffed at the report saying no regular wormer would have such an accident befall them, since they knew every inch of those flats they had been working for the past 4 decades. Locals blame the French for driving up the price of worms from $.06 a piece, to an unheard of $.14 a piece and blame the devaluation of the dollar and trade imbalance causing 'people from away' getting into the 'wormin' bizness."

The last time something like this happened was when the Japs discovered sea urchins, and over 78 scuba divers from Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Connecticut drowned while trying to harvest them from the sea bed off Matinicus Island, which also is noted for his Puffin Population. Most of the out of staters had been caught up in scallop draggers but where dead by the time they were hauled in, and discarded as 'waste product' by the Mainers.

Veronica Prestwick, of the Millonicket Prestwicks, turned 99 yesterday.
Fellow employees at the Eastwick Wreath Factory, took 10 minutes off from their wreath making to celebrate the event with a buttermilk toast, to go with the American Chop Suey donated by the Calais Trading Post. Veronica was said to have stayed late that day to make up the time, and meet her quota of completing 425 16" wreaths in her normal 12 hour day. Co-workers say her husband, Archie, 102, is a 'stay at home husband' who keeps himself busy around the house and loves doing the laundry and dusting.

Don't forget to display the flag this weekend and be kind to out of staters, remember they're just passing through to Vermont to be with their own kind.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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