Republican field narrows to five (or maybe 4.5)

Funny story written by bob42

Friday, 28 December 2007

With the first primaries just days away, it's time to take a realistic look at the options for Republican voters:

First, there's Mike Huckabee, former Governor of the Bible-thumpin/cousin-humpin state of Arkansas (where it's illegal to pronounce it Ar-KAN-sas.)

The Huckabee campaign suffered an early setback when he announced his opposition to torture. Apparently the republican establishment was counting on Huckabee to not only support waterboarding, but to put his experience as a Southern Baptist Preacher to good use by actually performing such interrogations himself, simultaneously extracting the maximum amount of information AND filling the enemy combatants hearts with love for everyone's Lord and Savior.

Then there's Rudolf Giuliani, former Mayor of New York and forever Mayor of 9/11.

The early darling of the media had a strong showing in opinion polls, but that support eroded after the republican base learned a few more details about the cross-dressing blue city/blue state politician whose numerous ties to organized crime could inspire several more seasons of The Sopranos.

While a Giuliani vs. Clinton rematch in the general election would be interesting, in the primary Rudy has only managed to attract a total of 14 supporters from 23 historically red southern/Bible belt states. But secretly, the "hard core" republicans admire him for shacking up with gay guys and funneling public money to his mistresses, so he's definitely in it for the duration.

And there's the "plastic candidate" Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts.

The republican base applauds his idea of "doubling Guantanamo" but his idea to equip every enemy combatant with Magic Mormon Underwear has failed to gain traction among fiscal conservatives. Meanwhile, the social/religious conservatives continue to ask Romney if he still beats his wives.

Romney downplays the amount of personal wealth he is willing to loan to his campaign, but it's a well known fact that he purchased his Iowa Straw Poll victory with coins he found under his couch cushions. It's widely rumored that Romney has forged a secret alliance with future running mate Michael Bloomberg to form a third party duo, cut to the chase, and bribe the Supreme Court now.

And of course there's John McCain

The veteran Arizona senator that succeeded Barry Goldwater in 1987 also ran a decent campaign for President in 2000. It's hard to say anything bad about the good Senator this close to his withdrawal, so lets just go ahead and say that he also ran a decent campaign in 2008.

And finally, there's Dr. Ron Paul, the mild mannered obstetrician turned statesman from rural Texas who, according to his 42 bagillion online supporters, is actually Superman.

Although Dr. Paul reluctantly and modestly admits to possessing a wide variety of super-human capabilities, he refuses to leap over tall buildings in a single bound without prior permission from the property owner. During a recent interview aired live from his blimp and carried on all major networks, Dr. Paul said, "Well, the X-ray vision certainly helped me bring over 4000 new Texans into the world, but the Constitution does not allow a president to use such powers to spy on citizens. If elected, I will return all of my superpowers, and those of my office, to the people and the several states."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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