"Sonny With A Chance Of Self-Harm" Will Continue Without Demi Lovato Says Producers

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Wednesday, 10 November 2010

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ABOVE: Demi Lovato.

A leaked internal memo, says that producers are at Code Lohan regarding how to deal with Demi Lovato's stint in rehab for 'not drugs', and are preparing to take steps to protect the "Sonny With A Chance" franchise, explaining that, "the health and well-being of Demi comes second, right after our profitability."

"The production of 'Sonny With A Chance' is on indefinite hold," said a spokesman. "We initially expected to be back in production in early January, but, as you are aware, Demi Lovato's manic depression and drug addicti... I'm sorry, I meant 'emotional and physical issues', have changed our timetable."

"What a spoiled little twat," said an anonymous source close to the actress. "I mean, my parents are getting divorced, my last Hannah Montana album barely went platinum, but you don't see me slicing up my arms with a razor."

"Like her life is so tough, right?" continued the anonymous source. "Look at poor Selena (Gomez, whoever that is). She's illiterate, queer as a three dollar bill, and has been battling the same yeast infection for two years, and she keeps a positive outlook."

Not everyone is as callous as this one source.

"We are praying really hard for her," says fellow contractual prisoners Dylan and Cole Sprouse, stars of 'Zach and Cody: We Used To Be Cute'. "We believe that her recent conversion to the Muslim faith will get her through this terrible time in her life. Allah Akhbar."

Demi Lovato's handlers have gone on the offensive regarding her stay in rehab, banging their 'she's not a drug addict' drum for whomever wishes to hear.

"Demi Lovato is not in treatment for drug or alcohol addiction," said one of Lovato's compensated hangers-on. "As we have said since she entered treatment last week, Demi decided to seek help for chronic self-harm and other self-injurious behaviour, issues with her brain chemistry, autism, Lesch-Nyhan syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder."

"But no drugs. None at all. Except heroin."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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