There will be no Glastonbury for 2012, it has been announced, and not just the festival, the whole area will be shut, as it is expected that all the hippies and music loving dope smokers will be heading to London to take part in the new sporting events being thought up for the next Olympic games.
According to one source there will still be all the usual old favourites, diving, swimming, track and field etc but there will also be some alternative endurance tests for the less sporty, but then who would have considered the world of darts to be populated by "Sports Men"?
Crusty McHedgemonkey, organiser of the alternative Olympic games has said 'These are the games for the people, the real people, the people what are keeping it real and we will all be..er..what was I saying?'
Some of the events we can look forward to are, Tarot Reading competitions, where a bunch of diaphanous skirted fat lasses with lovely hair and perfectly manicured nails will be competing for the coveted gold for best ambiguous use of the English language.
There will be mud running in wellies by skinny hippies in khaki shorts and crocheted Peruvian headgear.
The cider spin, a well known Somerset pastime that involves consuming huge quantities of an apple based beverage and manoeuvring oneself from a standing position to a seated position in one swift twist whilst not spilling your drink.
The Rizla arse wipe, where contestants are locked in a plastic port-a-loo with no bog roll and have to clean their bottoms, following a scrumpy and vegetarian falafel binge from a dodgy food stall, with nothing but a single packet of ultra thin cigarette rolling papers.
And the ever popular 100 yard mosh, which speaks for itself.