Written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 14 October 2010

image for Bonkettes Manager In Heart Attack Drama - Gay Larry Asked To Fill In
Gay Larry On A Skiing Holiday Last week - Note The Gay Pink Jacket

Consternation here today on the paradise island of Las Bananas - home to the best girl band in the world - The Bonkettes. Skoob Entertainment News can confirm that BT Bishop, the Bonkettes manager was rushed away by air ambulance following a suspected heart attack in the early hours of this morning.

The atmosphere here right now can best be described as somewhat subdued, with furtive - even accusatory glances - being exchanged.

With Bonkettes drummer Fanny Tickler being largely avoided.

It seems that BT Bishop collapsed in a heap in a tool shed in a compromising position, described by witnesses as being, "flat on his back, yet upstanding - if you get my drift."

Suspicion immediately fell upon the band's drummer, Fanny Tickler, who was seen fleeing the scene pulling her knickers up as the alarm was raised.

SEN managed to obtain an exclusive interview with Fanny as she snorted three lines of "chalk" in a rolled up £20 note in order to fend off an imminent hangover.

"I didn't do nuffink. Honest, I never," she sobbed emotionally, as she drank a litre bottle of Red Stripe without pausing for breath. "We was just having a party, like what we usually do. I suppose it was a bit wild - I mean, I don't know where the camel came from, or the Shetland pony, but it was all perfectly innocent. Anyway, BT comes up to me, and he says he's got a spot of bother with his laquered purple Zippo, which had slipped through the lining of his trousers, and his fly zip, which he couldn't open because it was jammed up. So he asked me if I'd help out. In the shed."

At which point, Fanny had to break off for some more "chalk" and a few gulps from a bottle of Chivas Regal, before continuing:

"Anyway, we went up the shed. He seemed all right at that point. But I couldn't initially find his zipper, so I had to grope about for a bit. That's when his breathing started getting a bit ragged. I had to grope away for a good while in the dark. Anyway, I managed to get my hand on his purple Zippo, but then his zipper jammed again. He was well distraught at that point, so he told me to use me teef. So I sorta went down wiv me head like, still holding on to his purple Zippo, as I tried to catch his zipper in me mouth. Like a bleedin' goldfish I was - going pop pop pop all over his fly area, sucking and biting for all I was worth - then he just keeled over. I didn't do nothing provocative, aggressive or deliberate - I swear. It was an accident. He just went down. I couldn't do anything about it."

Hence the knowing glances from those in the know.

As things currently stand, having turned down an X-Factor guest slot, and following a lengthy hiatus, at least since Christmas, our reporter approached singer BJ Swallow, who was sitting by the pool being fed absinthe intraveinously through a rubber tube from a 56 gallon barrel, and asked her : Where do The Bonkettes go from here?

BJ Swallow told us - somewhat drowsily:

"Well, I think we're gonna need a temporary manager. Until BT gets over his infarction problem. There's this guy I heard of from my favourite satirical internet website, theSpoof.com who goes by the name of Gay Larry. He sounds like he knows the ropes so I'll get my people to speak to him. That Skoob creep will speak to anybody. Anyways, Gay Larry sounds to me like a man on a mission, exactly the kind of guy The Bonkettes need right now. And the beauty of it is that as he seems to be a non-smoker, there should be no reason for Fanny to play with his purple Zippo and fuck him up in the tool shed. If you get my drift."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Bonkettes, Gay Larry




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