Ewan McGregor issues public apology

Funny story written by The Jonner

Thursday, 22 July 2010


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LONDON - Actor Ewan McGregor today apologised for, "pissing away my talent." The formerly credible movie star expressed his regret at taking roles on the basis of money and exposure, rather than artistic integrity and merit.

"I don't know what happened. I guess it started with 'The Phantom Menace.' It's weird. I'm a huge Alec Guinness fan and I loved the original Star Wars trilogy, so I figured nothing could go wrong. As soon as I walked on set and saw that there wasn't a set, I knew I was in trouble."

Before taking the role of the young Obi Wan Kenobi in George Lucas' second Star Wars trilogy, McGregor was known as an edgy, exciting start of British independent cinema. His breakthrough role in Danny Boyle's "Shallow Grave," led to the part of Mark Renton in "Trainspotting," also directed by Boyle. Boyle himself has subsequently had great success, including winning the Academy Award for Best Director for "Slumdog Millionaire."

"I see what Danny's doing, and it makes me very envious," confessed McGregor when confronted with a list of his more recent roles. We include some of them here:

Star Wars Episodes I - III
Cassandra's Dream
Angels and Demons
The Island
Rogue Trader Black Hawk Down

McGregor, once feted as Britain's greatest living actor, has seen his credibility fall by the wayside as he took role after role in piss poor, half arsed films. attempting to excuse himself for "Black Hawk Down," he stated that, "the chance to work with Ridley Scott was one that I had to jump at," conveniently forgetting that Ridley Scott films are hardly as rare as rocking horse shit these days. When he tried to make the same claim for working with Woody Allen on Cassandra's Dream, the interviewer's laughter was so loud that it damaged the dictaphone recording the interview. In a moment of candid self analysis, McGregor said that there was no reason good enough on God's green Earth for working with Michael Bay.

When quizzed about his "Irish" accent in Angels and Demons, McGregor could only answer, "I was mucking about. I thought I was going to reloop the dialogue later." Upon spying the interviewer's incredulous face, McGregor blurted, "Honestly! I can do an Irish accent. Listen!" McGregor then proceeded to regale the interviewer with an accent later described as being worse than Tom Cruise's in Far and Away - incidentally also directed by Ron Howard, perhaps suggesting that Howard has no idea at all what Irish people actually sound like.

At the end of the interview, McGregor boasted about his lead in the upcoming Brett Ratner movie, "Rush Hour 4."

"They've got rid of Chris Tucker because his wage demands were too high," he said, unwittingly revealing the reasons for his casting. "Now, if I can just get Tucker's voice right, I'll be back on top."

This role means that in his career, McGregor has worked with George Lucas, Michael Bay and Brett Ratner, perhaps the three worst film directors still alive.

When this was pointed out to him, McGregor held his head in his hands and wept uncontrollably, wailing the word, "Danny," over and over.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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