Rapid City, South Dakota - A grumpy old man, who back in the day (1965) was a Punker, has finished his study of Goths, after having learned that his grandson was one. Here are his findings.
Goths are a bunch of spoiled, over-indulged pretentious fools.
Goths think it "cool" to express a cynical attitude worthy of a 20 year blooded veteran of the Marines, yet tragedy to them is when dad won't let them charge the latest "DarkQuest XXIV" computer game on his Amex.
Goths are those "rabid individualists" who show their uniqueness and ability to defy rules by dressing up identically and adhering slavishly to every attitude doled out to them by Hollywood.
Goths are those brave ones who say "pain is pleasure" and "exploring the darkside is the last frontier", but who stay out of any situation in which they'd be in any real danger at all. Especially the military.
They are a subculture of losers, with no redeeming features whatsoever. A goth group activity is usually little more than them sitting around bragging/goading each other into more desperate levels of attention seeking till suicide is the only way one can "win".
How do you tell the new goth? He's the one who hasn't learned to brag about suicide attempts yet, that will come in his first meeting in which all the others will lovingly explain how each of them attempted it. Unasked, let alone answered, is why they didn't keep trying till they got it right. After all, was their life better after they failed at killing themselves, too?
The answer actually being that they intend to fail, and the only way any goth actually dies is when they goof their fake suicide attempt and it turns real. Or when they are so fried on sniffing glue and huffing gas that they actually fall for their own dippy propaganda, and figure that to really succeed might make them cool.
Having learned all that, he plans on telling his daughter Sally and that fool son-in-law of his that it's time they took a firm hand with that boy. Kids these days! They don't know how good they have it, not like in his day!
