TLC® reality TV dad Jon Gosselin brought bags of gifts and a big cake box from the upscale Cupcake Café® to his twin's 9th birthday party, incurring the wrath of his estranged wife, who wanted to keep the celebration simple. Or was that it? "I might of just looked at her cross-eyed," Jon said to the 17,656 or so reporters camped outside the family's Pennsylvania® home. "Since about a week after our wedding, there ain't nothin' I do won't piss her off.
This time, she claims that I spent too much money. Hell," he shook his head, "I'm broke! She has control over every red cent, like she always did, even before the separation. I found the box in a recycle bin behind the Cupcake Café® and filled it up with Hostess Sno Balls®. They're way cheaper, and the kids like em the best - better than her scratch cake any day. It's way too dry - just like she is!" he said, laughing a little too long at his own joke.
Jon appeared to have started the celebration with a few Appalachian® brews at the party.
"Truth is," he smirked, "I just wanted to see the expression on her face when she saw the box. I knew she'd blow her top!"
When asked how he could afford the bags of presents, he answered, "They're full of Bubble Wrap®. I found that in the recycle, too. The kids spend hours popping that stuff. It's better than those ridiculous playhouses she had built for them in the back yard. They spent about 20 minutes in those things before they got bored and started rooting around for some Bubble Wrap® to pop."
Gosselin was referring to the Crooked Houses® that the kids received in the episode of their show, Jon & Kate Plus 8®, where the parents announced their plans to divorce. Though the company claimed to be "well compensated" for the four custom-built and high-priced houses, it's widely accepted that they took nothing from the family -- who gained instant wealth from their TV show -- in exchange for product placement.
"A popular show like that -- it pays for itself with product placement," said a TLC® intern, who wished to remain anonymous."And it's a big bonus for the family -- all that free stuff."
Responding to questions about the $230,000 that Kate alleges he took from their joint account without her permission, John Gosselin said, "Look, I had to have her permission before I could even get out of bed in the morning! She's a bigger control freak than Dick Cheney®! Besides, I didn't take no $230,000. I took the 23 bucks we had earned with our Keep the Change® checking account, so what's the big whoop?!"
"Everybody thinks I'm such a scumbag because I left her and I'm running around with other women. Well, none a you had to live with her. Sure, I'm dating other women! I needed to remind myself what it was like to be with a real woman who wasn't always trying to be my Mom. I already have a Mom, thank you very much."
Then he glanced at his Patek Phillippe® watch and turned toward the house. "She only let me have a 5 minute break. If I go past that, she'll subtract it from the 35 minutes, 42 and a half seconds she's letting me have with the kids today. So, I better go."
As he departed, stooped and looking rather like a whipped puppy, you could almost see a tail between his legs.
