In an unprecedented move, ABC television's reality dance-stravaganza, "Dancing With The Stars," might have to delay tonight's season premiere, as contestant Tom DeLay apparently has gone AWOL.
Producer Alistair Fleetfoot said, "I don't know where the man is - I haven't seen him since Saturday's rehearsal of our lush opening clusterf@*k number. Perhaps he's high-tailed it back to Texas or to one of the legal brothels in Nevada. I just wish he'd send up a flare."
DeLay was last seen loitering near a craft services table, muttering, "I can't dance for shit, I can't eat 'cause they said I'm too fat, I can't run for office anymore...." Fellow contestant Donnie Osmond said, "Frankly, none of us wanted to dance anywhere near him. You could just tell the guy was gonna blow."
DeLay was last seen in dark blue sequined tights, a silver bolero vest, 2-inch man-heels and wielding a turkey leg. A special toll-free number, 1-800-FINDTOM, has been set up for the public to report any sightings.