Paul Oakenfold Apparently "Explodes" During Live Performance

Funny story written by funwithwords

Sunday, 1 March 2009

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The Remains of Paul Oakenfold?

Ibiza, Spain -- Tragedy has struck the Spanish isle of Ibiza this weekend as reports trickle out that internationally renowned DJ, Paul Oakenfold, has gone missing under "mysterious circumstances."

Various party-goers report that the superstar DJ was in the midst of spinning his last song of the evening, a remix of "It's Not Over Yet," to be featured on his next Perfecto on Tour, Sirius satellite radio show, when a sudden flash of green light consumed the DJ just as the evening of partying was climaxing to an euphoric end after a two-hour set.

"I thought it was just part of the show," explained a stunned Stacy Brown from Australia who had been dancing next to the DJ booth all night long. "But when the record screeched to a stop and 'Oakey' had disappeared, it was just all too weird." The DJ's satellite radio show hasn't been heard from since.

But what seemed odd at first glance quickly turned much stranger indeed.

"It appears as though Mr. Oakenfold has simply vanished into thin air," one anonymous detective was quoted as saying. "In fact, all that's left is an unidentified substance, a green globule -- like a stain, really -- right behind the turntables where Mr. Oakenfold was standing," he continued. "We suspected it was vomit, but you can't really dust for vomit."

As the Investigation continues surrounding the strange disappearance of the entertainer, including the remaining green globule, conspiracy theories began flying almost immediately across the Internet. "I bet it's someone else's vomit," one fan from Belgium posted on a message board, "I bet he choked on someone else's vomit and then died somewhere."

Others were skeptical since the missing DJ has yet to be found. "HOW CAN YOU CHOKE ON SOMEONE ELSE'S VOMIT IN FRONT OF 800 PEOPLE AND NOBODY SAW IT!!! HELLO YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!" one incredulous poster from New Zealand posted in all caps.

However, according to inside sources, another intriguing possibility is being seriously considered by local investigators: Spontaneous Human Combustion. According to one source, "dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported."

However, other sources say that Spontaneous Human Combustion is being considered in this case due to the "intriguing similarities" between this case and another strange case having occurred more than twenty-five years earlier in the Isle of Lucy involving an English rock & roll band.

In that instance, a small, green globule was all that was left of the band's drummer after having "exploded" on stage as the band were freestyling through an extended rendition of "Lick My Love Pump."

"I have this to say, this -- this case is very much similar to that case twenty-five to thirty years ago in the U.K.," one investigator confirmed. "In fact, it is possible the strange disappearance of MR. Oakenfold might help answer questions in that case too."

Although authorities are tight-lipped, rumors are now circulating that Oakenfold's sudden disappearance may have something to do with an "ancient" amplifier he had recently been experimenting with on stage. An assistant to Oakenfold has stated to authorities that the DJ was tweaking the amp just before the reported flash of green light engulfed the now-missing DJ.

"Both amps in both cases were pegged all the way to eleven," one anonymous source confided. "Eleven. Exactly. One louder."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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