Written by Heewack

Thursday, 6 March 2008

image for Patrick Swayze Fans Brawl Over Legacy

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Heewack News Network)--Rival groups of fans holding vigils for Patrick Swayze engaged in a full-scale brawl while arguing over the terminally ill actor's legacy. Police reported 42 arrests; at least 12 people were injured.

Police said two groups of Swayze fans began brawling outside of Cedar-Sinai Medical Center, where the actor, 55, is being treated, after tensions rose over a dispute as to how he should be remembered.

One group, "Swayze's Roadhouse Vigilantes," insisted that Swayze's legacy be tied to his workingman action hero roles, such as "Roadhouse" and "Donnie Darko." A rival group, "Patrick's Dance Heroes," said Swayze should be remembered for his tender, dance-themed roles in "Dirty Dancing" and "Ghost."

"When we arrived, it was a full melee," said Hollywood Police Sergeant Kevin Tangocash. "One group was throwing barstools and the other group was flinging ceramic clay."

Swayze has reportedly been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Several reports said the actor has five weeks to live, although a spokesman insisted that Swayze is "not being held to a particular deadline."

Darla Golfball, 28, of Austin, Texas, was among those arrested, charged with assault and battery. Police said she was observed performing a pas de deux before cracking the head of another participant with a perfectly executed solo pirouette kick.

"The bitch said Patrick only took the role in 'Dirty Dancing' after Henry Winkler turned it down," Golfball said, referring to the woman she kicked. "Those are fighting words."

But Tanya Polandspringwater, 33, who claimed allegiance to the Roahouse Vigilantes gang, insisted that Swayze took "soft" roles to ensure financial security for his wife and children.

"He's an action hero, not a dancer," she said. "And I'm happy to beat the crap out of any of these metrosexual-loving prissies who insist otherwise." Polandspringwater has been charged with aggravated second-degree murder and assault with a tactical nuclear device.

The official Patrick Swayze Fan Club issued a statement "decrying the fan-on-fan violence that has permeated Hollywood in recent years. Can't we all just get along?"

Police said more arrests are expected.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Patrick Swayze

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