Ringo Starr kicked off his 'Intercontinental Wrecking Tour' in Liverpool last week with sidekick Dave Stewart. However, Liverpudlians were 'shocked' and 'dismayed' at Ringo's snub of their hometown during what was supposed to be the critical opening act celebrating Liverpool as the cultural capital of Europe.
Ringo was seen approaching several local winos and meth addicts just to accost them with the words 'I leeve in Monaco you seely dogs' in an accent reminiscent of the French taunter from the Python movie 'Holy Grail'.
After overtly underplaying his fondness for his hometown, Ringo crossed the Atlantic and was seen on the streets of New York city ramming mercury laden sushi pieces down the throats of unsuspecting locals and refusing all autographs.
On to 'Regis and Kelly' for a musical spot, Starr and Stewart both walked off the set after refusing to succumb to the dictates of show producer, Michael Gelman, in particular the request by 'Gelman' as he as known by the general public, for the duo to shorn their trademark beards on national live television, albeit with a hair removal cream carried by the show's sponsor.
"I don't get this guy Gelman," Stewart was heard saying. "He gets these male rock superstars to perform yet can only get female product sponsors. No wonder Regis is always seen jumping around everywhere in a dress."
"They should stick that hair removal cream where it belongs; on Kelly's big fat derriere."
After this debacle, the 'Intercontinental Wrecking Tour' continued to the Late Show with David Letterman where it was heard that a 'Top Ten List' submitted by Ringo entitled 'Top Ten Reasons Bin Laden Would Feel At Home In Liverpool' was rejected by the producers. In retaliation, Ringo finished off the show with a backward compliment regarding the host's lack of facial hair. In a quick retort, Letterman reminded Ringo of his resemblance to the late Palestinian leader, Yassir Arafat, to which Starr and Stewart responded with several blows to Letterman's midsection. This part of the show was cut from broadcast thanks in part to the producer's ingenious use of the '6 second' time delay.
The 'Intercontinental Wrecking Tour' will resurface this Friday, January 25th, at the House of Blues in Hollywood, California. A webcast is scheduled for 1 P.M. Pacific time on Ringo's website. Law enforcement officials have been warning locals to avoid the area, not so much from the perspective of crowd control but out of respect to those who may be sensitive to subtext and intensive eye-rolling.
