The FTSE index shot up yesterday by 0.00023 points as a stable lard futures market brought much needed relief to The City.
It's thought that a return to a more frugal lifestyle by consumers across the globe as the recession double-dips will inspire greater utilisation of lard, and a downturn in expensive alternatives such as extra virgin olive oil.
"You can't possibly go wrong with lard," City Trader Oliver Goldblatt told our man. "It's the foodstuff of the future, and it has a million and one other applications, such as greasing yourself up prior to a cross channel swim, lubricating screws and dowel pins in flat-pack furniture assembly, and getting the tops off stubborn jam or pickle jars. Among others."
Some people in Scandinavia liberally grease household pets, such as dogs, cats and guinea pigs with lard at the onset of winter. Nobody really knows why.
More as we get it.