Target Corporation, America's 2nd leading department store, announced today that Store number 624,248, situated only 500' from another Target will open for business tomorrow.
Target's success has come from a basic premise: Open a store in every f--king strip mall in America. Target also keeps payroll costs in check by hiring immigrants and convicted felons for their overnight replenishment teams. Those associates earn $424.00 a year, and are usually paid in Baby Ruth bars and shiny beads.
Target's cash flow has been hamstrung in the last few years, due in large part to the company's plan to remove every useful thing from store shelves, and replace it with overpriced groceries.
The new stores, operating under the "Target GreatGooglyMoogly", have been able to draw away 0.000000000003% of grocery sales from more conventional grocers
This cash flow problem worries Wall Street, who believe that thismay force the retailer into bankruptcy, something company officials deny.
"We are confident that the transition from overpriced Wal Mart clone to poorly merchandise grocery store is good for us," said CEO David Target, the last of the Target family in an executive role.
"How many retailers can you name that went out business because they oveleveraged themselves for artificial growth? Other than Abraham & Straus, Bamberger's, Drapers, Bradlees, Montgomery Ward, Robinsons of Florida, Shopper's World, Speigel, K&S Department Store, Value City, Gimbel's, Ames Department Stores Inc., Caldor, Jamesway, Woolco, S.H. Kress & Co. and Two Guys, therr's none. NONE!"
