The world's first topless airline, American Spread Eagle reported no problems today deicing during the storm which recently hit the Northeast. As hundreds of passengers were stranded for hours overnight on airliners that couldn't take off from John F. Kennedy International Airport, passengers of American Spread Eagle were happily occupied aboard their planes and transported to their destinations with very little disruption.
The difference, says American Spread Eagle pilot, Capt. Buckley E. Filbertamous is inherent in our mission. "Our motto," says Filbertamous, 'the journey is the destination' and our name should be a clue to passengers that we are a little different."
American Spread Eagle debuted a month ago as the world's first topless airline emphasizing its motto, "The journey is the destination." It's looked to in business circles to fulfill a niche in airline travel as being the first "therapeutic airline" to address Americans fears of air travel after 9/11 and also to put the adventure and fun back into flying.
"While Americans are so busy looking at their bottom lines they should check us out," says co-pilot Matt Crusty Morgan.
Some of American Spread Eagle's on-board services include:
pornographic movies and magazines
topless stewards and stewardesses and complimentary tray dances
a pick-up bar and disco
automatic seat intercom system to speak with someone in another seat
vibrating seats
complimentary Vaseline and KY Jelly
paper towels
and cocktails.
Other services that may be procured through airline staff, but are extra include:
hand jobs
blow jobs,
movie mates
and sex in either your own seat, or the bathroom.
At a slightly higher fee and at only certain times during the flight while the automatic pilot can be used for more than 20 minutes at a time, pilots are also available for sexual adventures, in or outside of the cockpit.
"Even if our customers have to wait on the ground for nine-in-a-half hours for clearance to take off," said co-pilot, Matt Crusty Morgan, "they're going to have fun. And with the kind of activity that goes on in one of our jets, you can bet we're never going to freeze. We're never going to be affected by a deicing fluid shortage on the ground."
Next month, the innovative airline will add several destinations to its already full schedule. Those destinations will be to the North Pole, Siberia and Alaska where free land is being offered to anyone with the balls to live there.
In other news today, the parents of the young woman helping to launch her porn career buy a ticket on American Spread Eagle.
