Showing breaking news satire snippets written by The San Francisco Onion.
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Showing page 5 (of 28 pages)
Harcourt Hotel Hoax
Giant albino bedbug posted on eweTube by skeletor508 determined to be a giant regular bedbug that had walked through some fresh white paint.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 December 2011
Teenage astronomer discovers Jupiter-sized planet
"I've told you a hundred times to clean up this room!" his mother shouted at her son, 17, who was searching for his telescope when he found the bloated gas giant under his bed.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 05 December 2011
To thine own self be true
Newt Gingrich suggests Herman Cain should admit he cheated on his wife, and then cheat on her again. According to Gingrich, "It worked for me!"
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 December 2011
Wait ... that can't be right
Taylor Swift says one of her favorite artists is Nicki Minaj, possibly because Minaj embodies the same sorts of traditional, folksy values and down-home country charm as Swift herself.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 December 2011
Jobless dropping like flies
Jobless rate in US drops to 8.6 percent, the lowest since March of 2009. Economists warn this figure fails to reflect many Americans unemployed for so long that they died of boredom.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 December 2011
Top Slot
Britney Spears climbs past Gooogle co-founder Larry Page, tops list of most followed Gooogle users. Now in position number two, Page says he expects some great upskirt shots.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Kill two birds' dreams with one stone
To break the cycle of poverty, Newt Gingrich wants to roll back child labor laws so poor kids can become janitors. Why not put them to work building that fence between the US and Mexico instead?
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Mitt Romney flip-flops again
Ann Romney, wife of the aspiring Republican candidate, says she's fed up with the noisy thong sandals her husband wears around the house after his morning shower.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
I'm Gaga for Rice Crispies
Lady Gaga bathes in milk and Cheerio's in her latest video. Steamy scene prompts Snapp, Krackle and Popp to contact Gaga hoping for roles in her next video.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Nicki Minaj barbie doll no role model
It contains sensors and a tiny electronic chip - turn your radio up to "super bass," and the pink-haired, anatomically correct doll drops its panties and does a line of coke.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
A Change of Seasons
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. That's good news, say sources close to the hapless egg, because he had a really lousy summer.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Santa Ana Winds really blow this year
Los Angeles man taken by surprise when a eucalyptus tree crashes through his living room ceiling is even more surprised to find his house in now in Pasadena.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Rick Perry wants another chance
After poor debate performances send campaign into nose dive, Texas Governor Rick Perry suggests he might be able to answer questions better if they were presented in multiple choice form.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Tiger Woods nearly back to his old self
At Sherwood Country Club, windblown Tiger Woods shoots 3-under 69 in Round 1. Invigorated, he reserves Sherwood Hotel room for 3-way hoping to get blown, 69-ed for "round two."
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Obama redirects $50 million to fight AIDS
This comes as a tremendous shock - no one even suspected that President Obama had AIDS.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 02 December 2011
Off to never never land
Dr. Conrad Murray seeks a personal physician that will administer him nightly doses of propofol to help him sleep as he prepares for 4 years in prison.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 November 2011
Longest lasting fries on the planet
Macdonald's unveils new billboard campaign in Chicago area featuring giant boxes of fries. Macdonald's french fries under cushions of Chicago area sofas expected to last longer than ad campaign.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 November 2011
Dark night rides for Christian Bale
After lasting longer in the role than any other actor, Christian Bale has confirmed that he will be giving up his Batman cape, but he has decided to keep the car.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 November 2011
Computer monitors cause eye damage
Companies expect employees to spend about half a day - four hours - shopping online while at work this week. This year, many companies will be monitoring internet use and pepper spraying accordingly.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 28 November 2011
Just give him a green suit and pointy hat with bells
Consultants for Mitt Romney campaign are hopeful, suggest surge of support for Newt Gingrich is seasonal, as he is the only candidate who so closely resembles a Christmas elf.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 November 2011
Plumbing the depths of human history
Hooks, fish bones in caves suggest humans were hauling in tuna and barracuda as far back as 42,000 years ago. Bones at bottom of ocean suggest the tuna and barracuda hauled in a few humans as well.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 November 2011
I always cry around the holidays
Santa Claus caught up in pepper spray melee at Wal*Market when he stops in to grab a 6-pack of AAA batteries for Rudolph's nose.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 November 2011
Boy, is my ass "tired"
Florida woman who allowed fake doctor to inject her buttocks with fix-a-flat rushed to emergency room. Real doctors retrieve rusty nail from hospital parking lot to fix the problem.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 November 2011
Mutual annihilation
Polls show that Newt Gingrich is solidifying his position as the anti-Romney. Fallout from a collision between a Romney and an anti-Romney could devastate the Republican party.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 27 November 2011
Showing page 5 (of 28 pages)
