Discussion Forum

I was just watching that Ben Hur on the telly and it occurred to me that if I'd lived in the olden days I'd have been just like him and been cruelly persecuted and generally put through the bastard wringer by some of the jealous mugs on here for being not just a wicked charioteer but the greatest compo legend of all times also.

That Skoob would have been just like the twisted and vengeful Tribune Masala and would have sent my missus and daughter to live with Inchcock so they caught a whole load of diabolical infectious lurgies and had to hide themselves from the gaze of society.

He'd have probably had me unfairly nicked by the Roman old bill and sentenced to row rich fuckers back and forwards across The Thames at ramming speed.

I'd have been brutally beaten on route by Centurion Lyntonus Maximus, who'd scourge my superbly muscled young body with a barbed flail and wouldnt let me stop off at The Lord Rodney's Head for a quick sharpener whereupon Jesus would come steaming out of the drinker to give me a few sips from his pint.

However I'd have come up trumps in the end by diving in the drink and saving the guvnor of the spoof, Marcus Spencius from drowning and thereafter made an honorary citizen of Bethnal Green and given free kebabs from that little gaff in Green Street with nude birds serving em to me and that.

Then that CJ dressed up like The Sheik of fucking Araby would have entered me for the great writing compo in the O2 Arena, writing on his behalf because he's absolutely two bob at writing himself and needed a top boy to represent him and where I'd be pitted against some of the finest spoof writers from around the world including a few yanks and some flash monkey from Iceland who'd be writing about cod in church Latin

Then just as my spoof was pissing all over everybody elses and was about to win the compo my old nemesis Skoob would try to tear my parchment with a spiked pen but would fall arse over tit and spear himself through the eyeball with his own weapon and snuff it in absolute agony while I laugh and point.

Then on the day of The Crucifixion I'd be writing an absolutely blinding Spoof near The Place Of The Skull when Jesus would collapse next to me under the burden of the cross and I'd revive him with a few swigs from my tinny of Tennants Super.

At the end it would all turn out for the best when it suddenly goes all dark and starts pissing down with rain and my missus and daughter are made whole and stick the kettle on so there's a lovely mug of splosh waiting for me when I get back from watching Our Lord writhing in his final passion.

Charlton Heston would play me in the film version and Skoob would be played by Wilfred Bramble out of Steptoe & Son with a special guest appearance by Liberace as Colonel "I am a" Juan. Lynton would be portrayed by Maurice Chevalier with his nob out and Magnus Magnusson would play the Icelandic brainiac geezer.

It would be the greatest film ever and families right across the country would sit watching it on Easter Monday, guzzling easter eggs and weeping bitterly at the last knockings when God 's voice is heard booming across the heavens crying "This is my beloved Clivey in whom I am well chuffed"

Oh yes!

Ah, there you are maggot..

Take a look in the Approvals Lounge..

Luv

CJ

*dons John Wayne mask and dresses as Roman soldier standing gazing up at the slain Christ as the heavens darken*

"Surely this man Isn't the son of God" ^^^^^^^

Fuck off! I just looked and there's 10 pieces of old toot about American politics before you even get close to the one that I'm in!!

I'll give it half an hour if it's all the same mate.

I mean who the fuck votes for a geezer called Newt???

Tremble not Maggy...

Most of that Newt twaddle are instant tagless rejects..

Luv,

God

What a load of copulating old excrement.

You think that because the Danton and my wonderful self are a tad vertically challenged we can't rope a dope, give 'em the ole one two, bob and weave and dish out a bit of 'Enery's Ammer?

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee - the headbutt of Skoob and the left of Cli-vee.

Just kiddin'

Lovely stuff that. And I see Frankie's put a knob story in for consideration...

I'll have to have a word.

Frankie's knob will scare off the punters as sure as eggs is roe.

Regards

David Platt
Weatherfield.

Frankie's knob'll do a bomb .. "Over There"..


*Lights huge cigar, puts feet up and turns on Yankee Doodle*

I see the old one thumb bandit's about again.

How petty.

Regards

Stephen Honking
Batley.

Dants... Danto... Danty-baby darling. Because you haven't been around very long you can be forgiven for not knowing that I am the most talented thesp round these parts. They still talk about my Bosola in Leeds, and my Jaques knocked 'em for six in Guildford.

I am prepared to forgive this oversight, but I must have a significant role... my agent will not let me accept anything minor.

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Quote: Skoob1999

I see the old one thumb bandit's about again.

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"O, then I see Queen Mab hath been with you..."

Just sayin' Oh Skoobie..

You know .. the fuckin' fairies' midwife...

Still visits me daily..

Big hairy bollocks eh..

Zackly.

Chocolate salty bollocks and all that.

Happy Holiday!

Skoob