Discussion Forum

Just a brief word or two of explanation for the type of bellicose, grammatical carcrash stylee of some of my posts which invariably follow the passing of a much loved celeb my children.

These are in no way intended to be disrespectful to "the fallen" but rather they're a mischievous comment on the rather strange and definitely less than eloquent types who treat the demise of somebody who's been on telly a few times in a manner that most of us would reserve for witnessing our nans being crushed under the weight of a spiked steamroller before our very eyes.

During my tenure in that haven for the deeply disturbed, the lovelorn and the sexual sociopath Facebook I once rather naughtily found a group which was set up by members of the green crayon, capital letters brigade to mourne the passing of our very own favourite Big Brother KKK fan Jade Goodie and began a tirade of ridiculously OTT, criminally spelled platitudes claiming that I'd been driven to the brink of suicide by the passing of "OWR BOOTYFUL ANGLE" and was seriously considering taking my own life so that I could join her "ONN THE RITE AND OV JEEZUS"

To my utter astonishment and not inconsiderable amusement I was not only feted on the forum as a kind of present day Ghandi but received a number of pms from fellow distraugtees telling me to "KEPE YEWR CHIN UPP" and assuring me that SHEEZ IN A BOOTYFUL PLAICE NAH"

So there you have it my friends and just to add in closing that I'm pretty damn certain dear old Frank Carson, a wonderful comedian and thoroughly nice fella, would have seen the funny side in pretty much the same way as I'm sure Davy Jones, now sadly in his locker, would have done too.

As for the late great Ms Goodie, she would have either wept at my big hearted and tender largesse or would have been too fucking thick to read it.

Carry on

JAAAAAAAAAAYNE!.......FRAAAAAAAAANZ!.......DAISEEEEEEE!.....WHITLEEEEEEEEEEEE!

There's an olde Syracuse proverb that talks wisely of all who speak ill of the dead: Handed down from a one-legged tribe of Polynesian nomads:-

In the original it read unglat plunguton morkido formaldahyde.Which translates He who laughs last, laughs longest

I knew that but I love the facebook incident. Some people take everything so seriously.

And anon a great knight rode into the thread and he was mighty of aspect and fair of face and he was called Sir Clivey Of Dee and when he saw the vile writings of his foes so great was he wroth against them that he drew his great sword, mighty Hammeritus, and he smote his enemies, Sir Juan Of Hospitalis and Sir Lynton of the Lake and clove their helms asunder and split their skulls even unto their shoulders, crying "Lo thou hath wronged me thou knaves and sons of whores! Now die like carrion crows before me even as I say unto thee that I speaketh not ill of the dead but foreswear to strike with great main at the braindead false knights that infest once fair Facebook and besmirch the great halls and portals therein with false words, dodgy grammar and syntax most vile!"

And King Arthur passed close by and saw the slain knights and cried out in great exultation "Lo Sir Clivey hath appeased my wroth this day and henceforth shall fight at my right hand and his banner shall proclaim "Bondus Fugit Intemperance Marcus And Spencius". (Does anyone fancy a nice bit of bondage?)

Then did peace settle over the land of The Britons and even unto the province of West Ham where great riches were bestowed on that tender province, yea unto the FA Cup itself!

Tempus fugit Derek And The Dominoes

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Quote: Lynton

I knew that but I love the facebook incident. Some people take everything so seriously.

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Dont they just Lynton old chap?. Don't they just?

Clivey baby

I think we understood the concept.

I'm a bit fick an' I got it.

In conclusion - I have never knuckled a West Ham fan.

I wuz too engaged watchin' em jumpin up an darn wavin' their bleedin' arms abaht an shahtin' a lot.

GAWD BLESS ARE BRILL CREEMED WORLD CUP WINNIN SKIPPER - THE GRATE BOBBY MOOAH - IM WOT NEVER NICHT NO JEWLRY AT THE WOLD CUP IN ACAPULCO. (IT WUZ DA FORE TOPS AND FILL COLLINZ WOT DONE WENT AN DID THAT WEN DEM WUZ MAYKIN BUSSTA) RIP BOBY XXX

daft cunt thinks he's bleedin' Thomas Malory..

Dutch wing-back with Leyton Orient..

ALL HALE THOMAS MALLRY - IM WOT CLIMED MARNT EVRIST WIV DEE IRVINE CHAP AN PERISHED IN DER PERISHIN COLD. PORE SOD. GAWD LAV IM.

IM AN CAPTIN NEEMO WOT AD VAT SUBMEREEN AN VAT AN FORT AGINST JORS IN A ORNTID OUSE ON FRYDY DER FIRTEENF.

AN VAT.

CURRY ORN....

Loook!..Loook!...You bleedin cockney wanabis are orl the same, I mean...Wheres yu breedin eh?...wots yu crodentials....Thats wot yu got ta ave....Breedin..Not like the nobs....thier breedin is for orse ridin an polo...Im talkin abart yu actual blood lines mate. See...when yu roman..I say..yu roman...When yu julius invaded ingland....he put darn his roots....made sure the blood line stayed ere....when he left....Nobility e was...not like you bunch of bludy scruff...herhehrhehrhehr!...Cawl yuself a cockney!...No fear of that!...nun of yer look like romans do yu!....Bludy interlopers!

Alf

Oy!

Cockernee wannabe...

I wuz born an fukt up in Lower Broughton, Salford.

So I is more of a Cockernee than wot U will ever be.

Fackin suvvern numpty.

Regards

Brad Pitt.

Hehehe good to see this thread taking on a sweet cockney life of it's own boys. It's like the fucking Dick Van Dyke Appreciation Society in 'ere!

Skoob mate, I know it's obvious to you and the chaps that I'm lampooning the silly sods that rend their shmutter and beat their two bob breasts when a celeb curls up the old tootsies but you'd be surprised at the amount of grief I used to get in Facebook from the lonely and the lobotomised over my appallingly spelled, upper case lamentations. I was accused of being DYSRESPKFOOL TO THE DED and akin to Ghenghis Khan incarnate by some of these dozy fuckwits. In the end I knocked it on the head as I felt sorry for em to be fair. It was a bit like whipping Lorraine Kelly with a barbed flail, naughty but not nice

Incidently in the no doubt eagerly anticipated event of my own demise I absolutely insist that all you guys give me the send off I so richly deserve ok? Something along the lines of:

GAWD LUV AN KIPE OWR GAWJUS COKNEE ANGLE CLIFF DAMSOM! EEE WOZ TWO BOOTYFUL FOR THIS ERF! EE WOZ LYKE VINCINT VANN GOFF EE WOZ. EXCEPT HE NEVER CUT ORF IS LUGOLES!

EYE'M GOIN TO VISIT IS GRAYVE AND SLORTER ME KIDZ ON IS EADSTONE AS A MARC OF RISPECK FOR IM.

EE LUVED EVRERBODEE AND THEY LUVVED IM, EVEN THE DARKIES LYKED IM COS E COOD TAWK TO EM IN JAMAYKAN AND THAT!

GAWD PREESERVE AND SAYVE OWR PRESHUS ANGLE OLIVE DIMTIM! MAYE EE REST IN PEAS!

CLYYYYYYYYYYYYYDE!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We'll get you the same professional mourners as for Jade - should kick up a decent fuss. A wreath in the shape of a drip stand: another a colostomy bag and another in the shape of a hospital bed with the Grim reaper standing on the headboard reading the clipboard. And, of course the letters
H E 'S D E A D AT L A S T , T H E O L D G I T.

Oi Danton..

you maggot..

You disgustin' pervert..

Don't you fuckin' dare think of snuffin' it this weekend.

I'm sittin' 'ere with luv in me bleedin' heart and tears streamin' down me face, slavin' away at your fuckin' epitaph.

The least you can fuckin' do is stay alive long enuff to read it..

OK.. so I've finally fuckin' come out. So I've decided to become a fuckin' shirt lifter. So I wanna marry Danton before he pegs out. What the fuck's that to do with anyone else eh?

It's a private matter.

Luv (in strictest confidence)

CJ