Discussion Forum

Dear Santa..

Listen you fat, bearded drunken old cunt, i have been a very naughty boy, but i still want all the fucking toys.

merry crisis everyone.

reminds me of the Mafia Don's son at prayer - he takes the Madonna shaped candle on the desk and takes out a gun - looks at the crucifix and says 'Jesus, I wanna machine gun for Christmas else your ma gets it'

Dear Santa,

If you was to come down my chimmney, at an early hour of the mornin, an wake my children up, and scare them, wiv yu white beard and red robes! I should say...Oy! Cringle!.......No!, Your presents are a welcome contribution to the family tree!.....But why cant you knock on the fukin front door....like everyone else....You fukin fat bastard....!!!!..Now take yu gifts! an go back up the chimmney...an before yu leave1...Clean up yu Reindeer shit!


Arm xxxxxxxxx

Opened this weeks Christmas emails:

Swinton Insurance requiring £244 house insurance payment.

Dentist reminder of January appointment.

TV licence reminder - although I have not had a TV for over 20 years now, and have informed them of this in the past!

Three charity appeals.

BNP donation appeal?

Bank letter, wishing to discuss over-draught situation.

Gas company notification of 40% increase in monthly payments.

Notification of overdue Electricity Bill. (some nice red letters in this one)

One wishing me a Happy Christmas.

Thought I'd just let you know.

Inch

What about the refusal from the organ donor association?

Dear Santa

Thank you very much for all my lovely presents particularly Girls Aloud who I'm sure will come in very handy.
However without wishing to sound ungrateful would it be ok if I took the ginger one back on Boxing Day and changed her for the tidy little Asian looking sort out of The Saturdays.......or some book tokens or something.

Dear Santa,

Could you send me a chef? Only, I'm cooking the dinner today, and it's hard work. I've made me own stuffing out of chicken livers, onions, sausage meat and herbs from the garden. Made me own stock out of carrots, onions, celery, chicken livers and turkey bones, and as we got a crown, I stuffed it meself, and sewed it all up, then seared the pork and put the job lot in the oven. (Obviously not the stock, you muppet!) Just got to get the veggies on.

Thing is, by the time I've done, I'll probably be too knackered to eat it.

So please send me a chef so I can crack a few cans and stop burning me fingers on scorching hot baking trays.

Love (Not in a gay Santa way)

Skoob.