Discussion Forum

Wife: bloody weather!

Husband: well, you would go camping. Rudolf warned us it would be wet.

Wife: That mad commmie bastard. Who'd listen to him?

Husband: Rudolf the red knows rain, dear.

Erskin! I said, Put that sherry bottle down!, And leave the whisky in the cupboard.


My friend. "Did you hear about that Dwarf that got mugged in the high street?"

Me. "I didnt think someone would stoop that low"


Love as always

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

King Ongabonga was the leader of a small island state, Ugulu, in the South Pacific. He was a humble man; not for him the trappings of royalty. He stuck to his traditional loin cloth and the knobbly log on which he sat at the weekly palavas with the island's elders was his only seat. His only indulgence was a 3 story grass house because he liked to be able to see the sea from his simple bedroom on the third floor, where he slept - on the floor. The second floor he used for storing a few roots and nuts which he, like the rest of his people, ate as a staple. He could often be seen at his window surveying the island and the sea and waving to passers by.

Ugulu was famous for growing a medicinal herb, Kawa Kawa which was important in the production of many pharmaceuticals and particularly in parapharmacy herbal products. It was thus that King Ongabonga often received visits from dignitaries from many countries and important executives of drug firms who bought the Kawa Kawa.

These guests he would welcome and, as a great honour, he would invite them to sit beside him on his knobbly log whilst feasting on a roast pig; something only ever done on such occasions. All of his visitors appreciated this gesture and sent him many small but valuable gifts. These usually did not interest him and he put them in a box on the second floor and forgot about them or he distributed them among his several wives or gave them away to the islanders.

One day Ongabonga received a visit from a dignitary who must have noticed the knobbliness of the log, for one day some weeks after, a ship arrived and a parcel was delivered to the King. When he opened it he found inside a rather nice wooden object with a flat part supported by four wooden legs and at the back were other bits sticking up. He had never seen such a thing before but the ship's captain explained that it was a chair, something that people in other countries used instead of logs for sitting on.

Uguluans were simple people who had seen no reason to sit on anything other than that which the Gods provided. Even the prosperity that Kawa Kawa had brought had been channeled into utilitarian projects such as improving agriculture, drainage and public health and two story grass houses for the people. Consumerism was unheard of, except perhaps for the purchase of tee-shirts, outboard motors for the fishing boats and nets made from man-made fibres. Ugulu was a small place with simple folk with simple needs.

Ongabonga had to agree that chairs were a good idea and he liked the idea that he as King was the only person to posess one. He still kept the log for guests but he now used his chair.

The next dignitary to arrive was a Company Director from the USA. During the usual feasting of welcome Ongabonga sat on his chair,proud and dignified as a King should be and chatting whilst looking down at the visitor sat on the knobbly log. He asked the man:

'What does the leader of your country sit on?'

The man told him that the President of the USA had an ornately upholstered mahogany and parcel-guilt Chippendale style chair in the Oval Office of the White House.

Ongabonga then asked

'If you are considering sending the customary gift after you leave and at a loss for ideas, it would please me much to have a chair like that. I do not like to importune and if you should so consider, any other gift would be quite as acceptable.'

But, of course, the visitor would never have thought of disappointing such an important supplier and sure enough, some weeks later a large package arrived on the monthly boat. It contained a splendid chair, an exact replica of that of the President of the USA.

Ongabonga was very pleased, and so were his people, that he should have such a distinguished seat on which to place his distinguished royal posterior.The simple wooden seat he had previously received as a gift was consigned to storage on the second floor of his house.

Some months went by before another visitor came. Of this visitor from China he asked the same question about the seating of his country's leader. The visitor explained that although most seating was modern and nothing special, for some occasions there was an ancient seat of a former Emperor that was quite large and made of carved ebony, inlaid with ivory and coloured woods and upholstered with the skin of a Tiger.

Ongabonga, made the same suggestion to the Chinese visitor. He would never have dreamed of insisting. He was still a humble man; albeit one slowly becoming more infatuated by fine furniture.

Over time, Ongabonga gathered together quite a small but superb collection of chairs from all over the World and from many different periods.

One day the Islanders were very excited. The latest visitor was going to be The Duke of Edinburgh who was making a tour of former colonies and protectorates in the region which he was combining with visits to promote trade and improve relations with other Island States such as Ugulu. Ugulu had become very important for Britain since a British soft drinks company had found that Kawa Kawa could give a harmless euphoric buzz to drinkers, without the side effects of alcohol or any other long term problems. Furthermore, it seemed also to act similarly to Viagra so profits were astronomical and Kawa Kawa, because it grew only on the special soils of Ugulu, was of great economic importance.

The feasting took place as usual and in honour of his special guest, King Ongabonga decided to give him a personal guided tour of his collection. On the way around he put his usual question to Prince Philip. The Prince explained that thrones or chairs of State are in the Throne room in Buckingham Palace. The Prince described to him how there is a proscenium arch above them supported by a pair of winged figures of 'victory' holding garlands above the three thrones. These are made of gold, inset with precious and semi-precious stones and upholstered with red and blue velvet.

Ongabonga was greatly impressed and when approached later by a royal equerry he made it known to him that he would very much appreciate a Throne similar to that of Her Majesty The Queen. The Duke of Edinburgh went away also very impressed with the humility and hospitality of the man he had met, who, as he told his personal equerry, 'for a native aboriginal type', knew how to behave properly.

When he got back to Britain The Duke discussed his visit with the Queen who he knew had a special place in her heart for South Sea Islanders. Many former Colonies were the staunchest and most devout of her subjects and it seemed that this trait was common to islands and their people in general, not just ex British possessions. Yes, Ongabonga would have a throne, just like hers! So she sent her personal assistants away to discuss the reproduction of the Thrones of State with the curators of the royal collections, the British Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum.

A year later the monthly boat steamed into Ugulu low in the water and with a slight list to starboard. One very large and two smaller but still very heavy crates were unloaded and delivered to King Ongabonga.

To say Ongabonga was delighted would be an understatement. He sent one of the elders to take his current seat, a shiny Japanese laquered Shibayama chair decorated with mother-of-pearl, to the second floor.

When the crates had been unpacked the Thrones shone. Two smaller ones and the large Throne of State, exact replicas of those of the Queen of England.

One of the islanders spoke up. 'There isn't enough room for the three, what are you going to do, your Highness?'

'Well for one thing, after this I don't think I can ask any other visitor for another chair. I must have the most complete collection in the whole World!'

As much as he would have liked to have all three on view he only had one backside and he saw there was no choice but to put the two smaller ones with the rest of his collection on the second floor. There were no roots and nuts there now; he had built a small store behind the house. Once the smaller thrones were put with the others he went straightway to write a letter of thanks to the Queen before the boat left on the next tide.

Ongabonga sat in State at the weekly palavas, resplendent on his new Throne and the islanders were very pleased to have a King with a seat befitting his status as Monarch.

Some months later it was raining. The island had caught the tail end of a cyclone so the palava was being held inside on the ground floor of the King's house. He and the elders were discussing the latest production figures for Kawa Kawa when there was a huge gust of wind and fierce beating squall as a tail of the dying cyclone whipped across the island at great speed. They were all used to this sort of occurrence which happened most years. However, what they were not used to was the noise they heard. It started as a slight swishing of grass which was accompanied soon after by a rain of dust and cockroaches. This turned swiftly into into a crack of breaking bamboo and a second rush of air, dust and grass as the second floor of the King's house gave way and the elders found themselves fleeing for their lives as Ongabonga's home fell around their ears in an explosion of grass, beams and elegant chair legs.

Luckily nobody was hurt. Those that were injured which included Ongabonga were treated at the modern Medical Centre that had been built thanks to Kawa Kawa. Ongabonga asked the nurse if everyone was alright. She told him that in fact his was the only house on the island that had suffered any damage at all.

Which just goes to show

that


People who

live in


grass houses


shouldn't



stow thrones


Alright it's an oldy but a goody. Why sell it short?
Where's me hard hat?

Is this a virus? If so, is there a vaccine?

That was a stonker Lynton! It should be in the magazine section me old fruit and nut.

Love as always

Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You kr.now what really roasts my chesnuts?




An open fire.




Sorry. A little Christmas song humor.



(Very little)

I need Brain surgery like I need a hole in the head

A parable for our times. It brought a tear to my eye.

I like anything with the Queen in it.

I like Queens..............
Not in a gay way


Arm xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Duke of Edinburgh I can live without.

I wouldn't want to live in him.

I imagine it stinks of bat droppings in there and you'd be knee-deep in sepia photographs of nude Polynesian maidens.

The spiral staircases would be a health and safety nightmare too.

No wonder The Queen wears a headscarf and drives a Reliant Robin Coupe.

Don't forget the pin-ups of Margaret Meade. She fell in love with the Solomon Islands - that's THE Solomon Islands, famous Samoan opera singer.