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This barber I once had, he was a queer fish. Very rum.

Played rugby for the Barbarians.

We called him "syllabub".

I don't know why we called him that. A rum baba isn't a syllabub.

Mind you, he wasn't a barber, or a rugby player, either.

He would keep you talking about the weather and your holidays while a trained pigmy perched on your shoulders and gave you a short back and sides. It was all done by mirrors.

It's odd having your hair cut back to front, but you get used to it in time.

The pigmy had an irish accent, having been adopted by a family from Drogheda.

Really? No, Reilly.

Which explains the brass instruments under the barber's chair.

Publish it for Lord's sake PUBLISH

Tweeny Sod the Rum Barber of Gin Lane

Glynis Barber out of Dempsey and Makepiece was a bit of all right back in the day.

I always thought Harry the barber from down my street was a bit gay though. 40 years old (at the time) lived with his mam and talked like Julian Clary. He wasn't a bad old stick really. He used to bung Jock, the burpy man a few bob for a couple of pints down the pub of a dinner time for sweeping the hair up off the floor.

You'd see Jock staggering home a few hours later, burping like the clappers.

Always well turned out though. Couldn't fault him on that.

Bizarrely, I used to like Julian Clary.

I mean, I liked watching his show.

Not, "I'd like to bum him", or anything like that, you understand.

Nothing bizarre about Julian Clary.

Apart from the "fisting" stuff.

Why would anybody want to do that?

When I was a lad, "fisting" used to mean hitting somebody really hard in the face.

I just don't get that stuff at all.

Not even in a gay way.

I remember a Customs and Excise official at Dover putting a rubber glove on after I'd been strip-searched.

I wouldn't have it. Fortunately they let me go. I'd done nothing wrong anyway, but there's a big difference between reading the sports pages on the bog, having a leisurely dump, and some fucker bunging his fist up your arse.

That's just wrong.

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Quote: Reddon

I remember a Customs and Excise official at Dover putting a rubber glove on after I'd been strip-searched.

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Yeah, I suppose it was the one time in your life that you wished you'd had uncontrollable diarrhoea, eh, Skoob?

My agent. Always thinking of the money.

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Quote: Lynton

Publish it for Lord's sake PUBLISH

Tweeny Sod the Rum Barber of Gin Lane

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As wor Cheryl would say - " 's bicoz yur worth it"

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Quote: Erskin Quint

My agent. Always thinking of the money.

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Quote: Lynton

Publish it for Lord's sake PUBLISH

Tweeny Sod the Rum Barber of Gin Lane

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