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Please help the poor struggling Standup Comedian: Each of you feel free to rearrange these in some way so they will be different if you use them:


"Never take your children to a petting zoo. Especially petting zoos with goats. Especially when you're wearing a Rolex."

"For some people in the Middle East, all that makes them tick is dreaming about those 72 virgins!"

"Never take your girlfriend to a petting zoo. Especially petting zoos with certain male Spoof writers. Especially when she's wearing a thong."

"For some slappers in Middlesbrough all that makes them get up each morning is dreaming about those 72 orgasms!"

LG

Didn't know you were into hockey, LG.

I've been into some good shit myself for my back lately.

Since some of our writings show up elsewhere, I've decided to give it away.

"I have made a significant discovery in the Old Testament after learning to read it in Hebrew. There in First Chronicles, I have discovered the First Mohican."

"You know you're getting older when the local crowd down at the bar begin calling you 'Scrotum Face'."

"I have a rare blood type: 'Night Train Positive'."

LOL - No...I am NOT into hockey in the least. A fellow subo fan (male), assumed that because I live in Canada now that I must love hockey. No way! He photoshopped a funny photo I had posted on the Subo site when we were actually 'sharing what we really look like - those of us who wanted to.

I LOVE football/soccer - and follow the EPL and am a fan of The Toronto Football Club. TFC (Soccer club - but they call it football...)

So there you have it!

LG

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Quote: Lady Godiva
"For some slappers in Middlesbrough all that makes them get up each morning is dreaming about those 72 orgasms!"
LG

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They have sex with 84 men?

Wow.

Iain

92 men actually!

LG


"Never take your chickens to a betting shop. Especially betting shops with roosters. Especially when you're wearing feathers."

"For some writers in Spoofland, all that makes them tick is typing about those vaginas!"



(I've only just GOT the 'tick' bit re: virgins. Talk about slow!)

"Even though I knew it was too good to be true, I went ahead and ordered the 'Viagra at $5.00 a pound'."

"The trouble with getting more fiber into your diet is that, as soon as your stomach adjusts, everyone else in the house has moved out."

"Even though I knew it was too good to be true, I went ahead and ordered the condoms from the 'scratch and dent sale' at $5.00 a pound'."

"The trouble with getting more fiber into your diet is that, before your stomach adjusts, the plumbing goes on the blink."


LG

Took my goat to the petting zoo. Its the only way we both get to see our kids!

My house is like the petting zoo, I stand with my hand out, and the kids gather round to take my money.

Two Nuns driving down a country lane late at night.
Suddenly. the devil appears and starts jumping up and down on the hood of thier car.
"Show him your cross!" Shouts the 1st Nun.
So the second Nun rolls down the window and shouts.
"Get off my car you fukin arsole".



Arm xxxx

A traveling salesman woke up in a hotel room surrounded by 72 virgins, dreaming about the bottle of Viagra that was in his lost carry-on bag!

"Even though I knew it was too good to be true, I went ahead and asked Mark for my annual bonus. He said I'd get it when I reached the top of the writers table."

"The trouble with getting more vodka and gin into your diet is that, before your family adjusts, the credit card gets cancelled."


LG.

Bureau, hope I'm doing this correctly

I don't think there's any way to do it wrong!

These are funny. That's all that matters. You guys are creative.

"Every time I tell anyone about my hyena hernia, they laugh at me."

"If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put one on me? -Barney Frank.

I've got a guard dog, I tell him to attack, and he has one.
He bit me the other day, an my misses said, "did you put anything on it?" I said "No, he liked my leg as it was"

I was standing at a crossing, and this bloke says to me, "Your dog just ripped my shopping bag out my hand! He's torn up my library books and ripped the crap out of my dvds"

I replied, "He would have enjoyed the book more than the film!"


Arm xxxxxxx

Bureau I've just been reading your new Snippets and some jokes...saw the hyena hernia one...lol.


I walked up to a man on Main Street. He had a Rottweiler on a leash. I approached and asked the man,

"Does your dog bite?

He answered,

"No."

So...I reached out my hand to pat it on the head and it bit me.

"Hey," I yelled, "You just told me your dog didn't bite and he just bit my bloody hand."

"True! MY dog doesn't bite," he answered calmly..."but THIS isn't MY dog!"

LG

A man is watching a movie with his lamp. Another man tries to sit there.

"Can I sit here?"
"No, can't you see my lamp, here?"
"Your lamp can't watch this movie."
"I agree. He says it was the worst £3.50 spent."

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Quote: Lady Godiva

Bureau I've just been reading your new Snippets and some jokes...saw the hyena hernia one...lol.


Yeah, I'm even stealing my own jokes.

I think you are allowed to 'double dip' as long as you are only pragarizing 'yourself'

LG