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Well, write the worst set of drving, operating, or any other type of instructions or directions or manuals.
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To get my house, just get off the last stop on the Inner Circle Bus Line.

To get to OUR house, first get to MAIN ST. which is actually part of Highway 6, turn right at the first set of traffic lights. Don't forget RIGHT. If you go left or straight-on you'll end up in the lake. If you reverse you'll end up where you started.

Then, after the RIGHT turn onto Main, go up Main Street and turn left at the next set of traffic lights. If you forget and end up at the 3rd set off traffic lights you have been right through town and will be on your way to somewhere else - so you will have to make a U turn and go back to the 2nd set of lights, then turn right but, if it is on red, stop and then turn, coz you are allowed to turn right on a RED if nothing is coming and as long as you come to a 'complete' stop first.

Keep going straight and at the STOP sign (it is a 4 way stop), when it is YOUR turn, move forward - go down the dip and up the other side, take a right just after you get to the top of the dip, then next left, round the curve and we are 2nd on the right.

THESE ARE TRUE DIRECTIONS BY THE WAY. WE ONLY HAD ONE SET OF LIGHTS IN TOWN, HALF WAY DOWN MAIN STREET, WHEN WE ARRIVED HERE IN 1982.

WHEN THEY STRUNG UP THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, MANY VISITORS WOULD GO THROUGH THE LIGHTS ON ANY COLOUR COZ THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE - THEN - WHITE GREEN AND RED. NOW WE BOAST 3 SETS OF LIGHTS. THE OTHER TWO NEWER SETS ARE LOCATED ONE AT EACH END OF MAIN STREET....(SMALL TOWN).

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Quote: Lady Godiva

To get to OUR house, first get to MAIN ST. which is actually part of Highway 6, turn right at the first set of traffic lights. Don't forget RIGHT. If you go left or straight-on you'll end up in the lake. If you reverse you'll end up where you started.

Then, after the RIGHT turn onto Main, go up Main Street and turn left at the next set of traffic lights. If you forget and end up at the 3rd set off traffic lights you have been right through town and will be on your way to somewhere else - so you will have to make a U turn and go back to the 2nd set of lights, then turn right but, if it is on red, stop and then turn, coz you are allowed to turn right on a RED if nothing is coming and as long as you come to a 'complete' stop first.

Keep going straight and at the STOP sign (it is a 4 way stop), when it is YOUR turn, move forward - go down the dip and up the other side, take a right just after you get to the top of the dip, then next left, round the curve and we are 2nd on the right.

THESE ARE TRUE DIRECTIONS BY THE WAY. WE ONLY HAD ONE SET OF LIGHTS IN TOWN, HALF WAY DOWN MAIN STREET, WHEN WE ARRIVED HERE IN 1982.

WHEN THEY STRUNG UP THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, MANY VISITORS WOULD GO THROUGH THE LIGHTS ON ANY COLOUR COZ THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS WERE - THEN - WHITE GREEN AND RED. NOW WE BOAST 3 SETS OF LIGHTS. THE OTHER TWO NEWER SETS ARE LOCATED ONE AT EACH END OF MAIN STREET....(SMALL TOWN).

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Okay, I think you're the only address that I've worked out, to actually crash Google Maps.

You think those are confusing? At least yours may not be wrong. Here's how one guy told me to get to some place. (My memory's a little fuzzy, so let's say the town hall. And the street names are made up, becuase I can't remember those. And this distances. I'll just give approx.)

"So, go down 300m on Feltz St, then turn right, not left, after the level crossing. Then, you go north 200m, turn right at the Y-bend, and then you go straight. If you pass the mall, then you've gone too far, so before the mall you turn at the 3rd exit on the roundabout."

It was a no-right turn at the level crossing. After I went south past the mall, I realised the guy had led me the wrong way. This is why I have a GPS.

A college friend loved when lost drivers would ask him for directions.

He would sound REALLY knowledgeable and give them completely made up directions.

"You go down this road, bare right, at the roundabout take the third exit and follow the road for about 300 yards. Turn right and it's on your left."

Off would go the driver, and my friend would laugh.

He was evil.

I killed him for the good of humanity.


Directions for an electric chainshaw:
"Do not stop the blade with your hands."
"Do not operate underwater."
"Not to be used as a flotation device."

Iain

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Quote: IainB

A college friend loved when lost drivers would ask him for directions.

He would sound REALLY knowledgeable and give them completely made up directions.

"You go down this road, bare right, at the roundabout take the third exit and follow the road for about 300 yards. Turn right and it's on your left."

Off would go the driver, and my friend would laugh.

He was evil.

I killed him for the good of humanity.


Directions for an electric chainshaw:
"Do not stop the blade with your hands."
"Do not operate underwater."
"Not to be used as a flotation device."

Iain

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Wait, a sec! He gave me imperial units?! No wonder I got lost. He wore a blue t-shirt shirt with the words 'Human GPS' didn't he?

The main difference in giving directions in N.E. England (and maybe other parts too) and giving directions in Canada (or at least where WE live) IS :

In N.E. England, people giving directions use 'pubs' as 'landmarks'.....in Southern Ontario, they use CHURCHES.

In our small town there are four churches. Three of them are at a four way stop (junction) one on each of three corners....the fourth corner is a small apartment complex, which burned down a few years ago, killing the sister of an acquaintance of mine. Talk about being close to GOD!.....

LG

Inhopeless... you COULD find where I live by following my directions....that's for sure!

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Quote: Lady Godiva

The main difference in giving directions in N.E. England (and maybe other parts too) and giving directions in Canada (or at least where WE live) IS :

In N.E. England, people giving directions use 'pubs' as 'landmarks'.....in Southern Ontario, they use CHURCHES.

In our small town there are four churches. Three of them are at a four way stop (junction) one on each of three corners....the fourth corner is a small apartment complex, which burned down a few years ago, killing the sister of an acquaintance of mine. Talk about being close to GOD!.....

LG

Inhopeless... you COULD find where I live by following my directions....that's for sure!

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Because Birmingham is so multi-cultural, I once told a lost Frenchmen to get to City Hall, you go down past the Swan pub, then past the mosque, then turn left at the christian youth centre. He was either utterly confused at these odd zoning laws, or not understanding of what a mosque was.

Also:

Doing your sister's friend: Don't try this at home.

That is hilarious!

LG

There's always the old favourite, "Well, this wouldn't be the best place to start from..."

Or "when you come to the tree in the middle of the road..."

Or, "Turn right after the house that used to be on the corner..."

ROFL!

LG

Do you know what the most common street name in North America is? Second. It would be First, however, in most urban areas, First St/Av/Bl/Rd is usually renamed Main or after the city or some guy. A little tibit there.

Also:

To report problems at Heathrow Airport: Fill out a complaint form and mail it to the hospital you were born in.

You are so RIGHT...but in our town OURS are named FIRST AVENUE and SECOND AVENUE - HONESTLY....NO THIRD AVENUE THOUGH.

And - as I said in an earlier post...we have Main Street which runs the length of our very small town....

HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF??


LG

Can we help you out? Which way did you come in?

LG, how do I know? Two words: Cultural Osmosis. If I was a superhero, that would be my superpower. Sucking in random things I see, read, or hear. For example, 2000 sausages drowned on the Titanic. Also, the capital of Indea, is technically, NEW Delhi, not Delhi. And also the United Nations (or at least the concept and name) was founded in 1942. Not 1945/6. Also, denim is actually green, however, due to some fancy techniques, we can make it any colour. So, blue jeans are rip-offs, technically.

Also: To order the manual for the device, please turn to page 134. (actual customer support I recieved!)

A small card inside the Lacie Blu-Ray DVD drive for a computer reads:

"The manual for this device is on the accompanying CD-Rom"

Gee, thanks...

The manual for the Netgear internet router has at the end of its trouble shooting section:

"For any issues not covered in this troubleshooter guide, please see the Netgear website"

Again...Gee, thanks.

Iain

We don't use miles or km over here,

"Keep going straight for about 10 minutes and take the second right after the sharp dip in the road, go up the hill and it's about five minutes after that on the rhs.

You can't miss it"



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Quote: Fergus McCarthy

We don't use miles or km over here,

"Keep going straight for about 10 minutes and take the second right after the sharp dip in the road, go up the hill and it's about five minutes after that on the rhs.

You can't miss it"



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....close enough....F**** it, Nail It!

Anaesthetist: I think you need to go just a little bit to the left, Surgeon. A little more, they might need that bit of the brain. Just a little more, oh you might have gone too far. Come back a bit. Hang on, aren't we supposed to be doing an appendectomy?

Iain

Okay, go lower. Lower. A little lower. A little bit lo-OH SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE FOUND YOU!!!!!!!