Discussion Forum

Oh what tangled webs we weave...

I created a fictitious person on Farcebook. Nice girl, went to school in Liverpool. I had very good reasons for creating her, that's another story (which you can read when I secure the book deal). She has several friends from the school she never actually attended.

I have kept in touch with several of these friends on my fictitious person's behalf. She can't write herself, poor lass.

One of her friends has asked for her address to send a Christmas card.

He is not trying to get in her pants, I've had several conversations with him, he is married with kids and knows my character is in a relationship, and now lives in Finland. He is just friendly.

My character does have an address in Durham.

But I don't know what to do.

If I give him the address, the card will obviously go to this (empty and has been for years) flat in Durham. But how can I send one back, as it will have a Manchester postmark?

I could always not give him the address, but I'd need a good reason.

Help, please.

Iain / Debbie

Q: I got a problem - I need help (on several levels) Give him it & send a card back 0% Don't give him the address 0% Go to Durham to post the card 25% Seek therapy 50% Kill the person asking 25% There have been 8 responses to this poll

Do you know anyone in Durham who could post the card for you? I'd just like to add.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. It can only get more complicated from here on out.

Charpa

Write the address on the card's envelope, then put the card inside a second envelope addressed to somewhere in Durham.

Put some cash in the outer envelope.

Send it, and the postie in Durham'll whip the money leaving the inner card to be posted on. Hopefully, the card will get put back in to the system. You could maybe leave a note for the offender to urge him to do so.

Tell him to save his money and send an e-card, they're all the rage now.
Even Oxfam are reporting a £1m drop in profits due to them.

When is this book going to be out, you have mentioned it before and I wanna read it.............

Iain/Debbie,

Tell him you have had a bad experience in the past with addresses being passed on or revealed via the internet and would rather not go down the same route again after all the trouble it caused.

Let him know that it's nothing against him or anything but that the experience was altogether too traumatic and ended in a messy and embarrassingly public court case that was only saved from national news coverage by way of a late guilty plea entered under the 1987 Stalking act.


Be honest with him and tell him you don't think you'd be able to survive another jail term.

That should sort him.



Luv

Fergus.
Ultimate Featured Writer.
xxx

Just tell the truth.


Lady G...(Close friend of Debbie from Durham )

All very good suggestions.

Apart from the telling the truth thing.

What a strange idea.

I think I'm going to take the priests advice...

Iain

Post the card from Bhutan.

That'll fox him.

I've just snorted beer out of my nose. Cheers EQ...

Iain

On second thoughts. Why don't you arrange a meeting, in a nice romantic restaurant and let him find out for himself?

You may just be pleasantly surprised coz he may be a 'gay' guy still in the closet.

You may end up having a very enjoyable evening together.
There could be a future in it for the pair of you.
Hey! You just never know.
Life us FULL of surprises.

Lady G.

(How I hate that word 'gay' by the way)

I wouldn't do what Lady G suggests.

I know a gay bloke (well, he says he's gay)

But he isn't gay at all.

He's a mean spirited, miserable malevolent cunt.

If being gay means being like that twat, I think I'd rather top meself.

I do have a few gay friends who are a good laugh, but this one is turning me into a homophobe.

Puddle jumping prick.

Ah, that feels better...

I love venting.

But not in a gay way.

Grrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Skoob.

How reliable is your postal system, anyway?
Will the card be "returned to sender" from Durham?

Another less expensive option would be to fabricate yet another story about the Manchester postmark. Like she was visiting a friend, perhaps.

SpaceE....think quickly and take one of the above suggestions and GO with it, otherwise....it's gonna be too late and you'll be discovered for who you are and what you are doing....How long do you thing you can keep this guy at bay? He's gona get suspicious and you don't know how many of his friends are going to be with when he finds out the truth. IF he does find out the truth. Hurry up, decide what you are going to do or I'll start the collection for your wreath.Skoob - are you out of the closet yet? Or still hiding in it, away from Mrs. Skoob?

Lady G.

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Quote: Lady Godiva

SpaceE....think quickly and take one of the above suggestions and GO with it, otherwise....it's gonna be too late and you'll be discovered for who you are and what you are doing....How long do you thing you can keep this guy at bay? He's gona get suspicious and you don't know how many of his friends are going to be with when he finds out the truth. IF he does find out the truth. Hurry up, decide what you are going to do or I'll start the collection for your wreath.Skoob - are you out of the closet yet? Or still hiding in it, away from Mrs. Skoob?

Lady G.

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Are you talking actual friends or Facebook friends?
Are we talking actual Earth or virtual Earth?

Oh! I thought this was all REAL.
Lady G.

More importantly, what kind of message is your card going to have? peace on earth? happy holidays? Merry Kwanza? Sometimes the message is as tricky as the deliverance (except if you live in the backwoods of Georgia of course).

Charpa

I think if you get him to send a card, then you have officially crossed the line into cyber-crime.

You don't want to ruin your reputation as Featured Writer, do you?

Looking at the poll results just now, it appears to suggest you need therapy.

To hell with that...I do believe most of the Spoof writers have received therapy in the past and some are receiving it as I type or we wouldn't be on this bloody site.

In the end...just make up your own mind you coward - then you only have yourself to blame instead of trying to put the blame on some of US.

Lady G.

The postal system won't return it if there's a letter box there...

I've sent him an e-card....

I've told him that's what I'm doing this year.



Now off to type Identity Fraud and Therapy into Yell.com

Iain

Kingdom of Bhutan wondrous to hold at this at time of yearfall, yours which is of wintering. Not the snowsfall grim.

Oh no. Translucent mystics! These have many florals and nectars are abroad in high footpass and prayer flags will flag merry-ho. Honey? Perhaps with pretty maiden by the threefold.

Please keenly anticipate water buffalo, tiger, elephant. Takin, snow leopard, golden langur. Blue sheep.

Druk Air to sail thee to mountain tops notwithstanding. Thumpu awaits your honourable kneecaps.

Hail and farewell. On with your motleys and currant cake!

Taki Shindig Dzhong
Minister for Scintillations

Ersquin (sorry about the name - I've had a couple) Erskin is rambling again - talking gibberish. Can those of you who live close-by - just check in on him? I think he is mixing medications and drinking alcohol too. Not a good mix....and I should bloody well know.

We MUST look out for each other.

A plea from the heart....complete with a fart (but not a 'smelly one')

Lady G.

No, my dear Lady, this is serious drivel. I am serious about my drivel, and take it much unkindly that thee shouldst thinkst that I am rambling involontarioly.

regards,

"Ersquin"

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Quote: Lady Godiva

Ersquin (sorry about the name - I've had a couple) Erskin is rambling again - talking gibberish. Can those of you who live close-by - just check in on him? I think he is mixing medications and drinking alcohol too. Not a good mix....and I should bloody well know.

We MUST look out for each other.

A plea from the heart....complete with a fart (but not a 'smelly one')

Lady G.

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That's easy for YOU to say. I haven't had a beer yet!

Lady G.