Discussion Forum

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.




Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.


Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.


Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.


Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.


Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.


Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.


Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?


Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Brilliant

Brilliant Doc.

Something in there to make even the grumpiest bastard smile.

Off to get beer now. One in honour of this post and the good fish-stretching Doc.

Regards

Skoob

Thanks Victor. C & P'd already.

These remind me also of 'Syllepsis' and particularly Pope's words from 'Rape of the Lock'

"Here thou, great ANNA! whom three realms obey,
Dost sometimes counsel take - and sometimes tea." (thé)

Perfect!!!!! Almost as good as a Newfie Joke over a Pint.....in Bar Harbor...in a Hurricane!

Cap back Stateside.

Twas a pleasure meeting up again.

Next time I'm in America...just saying...

Your shipmate in England

Skoob.

---

Quote: Skoob1999

Cap back Stateside.

Twas a pleasure meeting up again.

Next time I'm in America...just saying...

Your shipmate in England

Skoob.

---

It was a ball(ocks)! What a crew...a pleasure to sail with all of you!!!

What a group, what diversity, What The F****!!! Har.

Hey..is is time for another group story?

Morse

The Wikepedia version of this is even better.

Sorry Doc

Find that hard to believe.

Excellent entry from the fish stretching QB

Just sayin'

Skoob.

Great post!

I don't know about 4 billion, but that deserves some stars.

---

Quote: The San Francisco Onion

Great post!

I don't know about 4 billion, but that deserves some stars.

---

Erm, I mean thumbs.

How about this?

Satire is a socially acceptable form of humor, except, of course, when the subject of the satire is me.

Finally an entry!

Gotta say Doc, they seem easy enough, until you try one.

If all the world's a stage, then who's watching the show?

I love a challenge, that's why I married my husband.

Funny that, my Mrs says the same.

Poor deluded fool.

Me, not her...

Regards

Skoob.

I agree with Charpa. Sounds easy until you try one.

Here are a bunch of Erma Bombeck quotes that fit the definition:

"Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids."

"My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again."

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"

"In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV."

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

"Seize the moment. Think of all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."

"Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth."

"The grass is always greener over the septic tank."

"A child needs your love more when he deserves it least."

"If life's a bowl of cherries, what am I doing in the pits?"

Groucho has a bunch.

---

Quote: victor nicholas

Groucho has a bunch.

---

But to come up with totally new ones is a challenge.

As one barbeque pit master exclaimed, therein lies the rub.

How's this:

"Everyone here at The Spoof has made me feel right at home, mostly because they are a bunch of looney bastards."

"Writing for The Spoof is like having your dream job, if your dream is to never earn a penny."

"Mark Lowtan is like the father I never had because I've never met Mark Lowtan either."

I think those qualify.

How's this?

It's not always easy to negotiate the information superhighway when all I possess is a one-track mind.

---

Quote: Charpa93

It's not always easy to negotiate the information superhighway when all I possess is a one-track mind.

---

That's a pretty good one too, but it's tough to reconcile with your avatar, Brainiac!

---

Quote: victor nicholas

Groucho has a bunch.[/blockquot

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"Pardon me Ma'am, I thought you were a guy I once met in Hollywood."

"Why, a six year old child could work this one out. Go get me a six year old child - I can't make head nor tail of it."

Bit of Groucho there. Now he was a geezer.

Regards

Skoob.