Discussion Forum

Question from Mrs Ballast of Spond.

"How do I stop those fukin cats from No 24 pissing on my rose bushes? I've tried everything".

Our first expert tonight is........

Arthur Needless from Tottingham:


"Well, I have 3 suggestiions,

a) Buy a double-gauged shot gun and lie in wait for the little buggers.

b) Get your neighbours to move and take the fruiting cats with them.

c) Failing this....pull out the bloody rose bushes. Then they'll not have a rose bush to piss on. Simple!

I do hope you have some success with your garden. I think the best suggestion, personally, myself, is (c).

Good luck,

Arthur Needless

I find that catnip is a good plant for deterring cats from doing their business in your garden. Obviously catnip attracts cats, and I find that a minefield around the catnip very quickly ensures that your garden becomes a catfree zone. With sufficient catnip planting, this can make your neighbourhood cat free,

In addition, the cat debris makes excellent fertiliser, and you will find it is spread evenly across the rest of your garden.

The next question, is from Julie August fro Kidderminster, who wants to know how to conceal the ugly wall her neighbour has constructed.

She could try using 'Whiteout'.

Failing that, she could keep her eyes closed when out in her garden.

I have a question too:

How can I keep the squirrels away from the bird's nuts?

"I would definitely uproot the rose bushes. That will do it. Failing that, you might want to consider moving house. Now, that's not for everyone. Houses are big and heavy, and the house is liable to break up, once the delicate link between the house and its foundations is disturbed. But if you were able to move your house - if you were for example to affect a 33' anti-clockwise rotation such as the indigenous Patagonians were wont to try when their manioc crops were menaced by the cougar - then that might confuse the offending feline, but there is no guarantee. Many's the disappointed gardener, with his devalued property now facing the cruel North Wind, and a herb garden ruined by cat's piss.

"The final resort for some is to move out of the district altogether, but even that is not certain to bring the desired feline-free result, as Lord Melbourne discovered when he relocated 155 miles, only to find the siamese in question* waiting for him on his new doorstep."

Percy Thrower

* The question in question was "How did that fucking cat get here?"

Oh fuck.

Well I'm not craftng another answer now. You'll have to keep it as a spare.

Oh all right then.

It depends what breed of bird it is.

If it's a Great Auk, it shouldn't be a problem, since they are extinct.

If, on the other hand, it is a spangled orpington, you shouldn't be feeding a chicken nuts, so, either way, you are a winner.

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Quote: Lady Godiva

She could try using 'Whiteout'.

Failing that, she could keep her eyes closed when out in her garden.

I have a question too:

How can I keep the squirrels away from the bird's nuts?

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Mrs Ringworm, of Cleckheaton asks, "I have a herb garden. What can I do about whitefly on my Vicar's Scrotum?"

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Quote: Lady Godiva

She could try using 'Whiteout'.

Failing that, she could keep her eyes closed when out in her garden.

I have a question too:

How can I keep the squirrels away from the bird's nuts?

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Simple dearie. Just sort out the males from the females. If you strew about only bright coloured yarn in the yard, only the nest building females will show up and the squirrels have no interest in their privates.

Throw some sun flower seeds over the whited out fence, and all those piggy males will head over there, and you'll be protecting their nuts so they can fertilize the eggs that will be laid in the fine nest your yarn provided.

Simplest is often best.

The Night Hawk

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Quote: Erskin Quint

Mrs Ringworm, of Cleckheaton asks, "I have a herb garden. What can I do about whitefly on my Vicar's Scrotum?"

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I have found that by taking it out and giving it a good shaking, followed by a strong dusting with DDT or MSG, the problem usually goes away within
a fortnight. Until then, don't put it near anyone's face if you can help it.

Bishop Harold, Yeoville.

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Quote: armfeetandtoe
"How do I stop those fukin cats from No 24 pissing on my rose bushes? I've tried everything".

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Live electricity wire usually does the business!
- Charlie 'Sparks' Dimmock.

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Quote: queen mudder

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Quote: armfeetandtoe
"How do I stop those fukin cats from No 24 pissing on my rose bushes? I've tried everything".

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Live electricity wire usually does the business!
- Charlie 'Sparks' Dimmock.

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I would like to add an addendum to this fine suggestion. I have found that due to a coyote relocation program sponsored by the U of Maine, Bangor, cats are now in short supply round these parts.

I'll send a few over with my ghost writer, Morse.
I'm sure it'll clear things up in short order.

Stevie King

Mr Twelvetrees of Hassocks asks: "I think I may have Dutch Elm Disease. Is there an ointment or salve that I might apply, or is lopping the best remedy?"

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Quote: Erskin Quint

Mr Twelvetrees of Hassocks asks: "I think I may have Dutch Elm Disease. Is there an ointment or salve that I might apply, or is lopping the best remedy?"

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It's really hard to give up good wood. I'd get penecillin shots and wear a condom for now.

Fckin brilliant TT!

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Quote: Throckmorton Turdblossom

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Quote: Erskin Quint

Mr Twelvetrees of Hassocks asks: "I think I may have Dutch Elm Disease. Is there an ointment or salve that I might apply, or is lopping the best remedy?"

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It's really hard to give up good wood. I'd get penecillin shots and wear a condom for now.

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Quote: Erskin Quint

Mrs Ringworm, of Cleckheaton asks, "I have a herb garden. What can I do about whitefly on my Vicar's Scrotum?"

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Albert Spong: Gardeners naked weekly


I would lay the Vicar down, and drive a four by four over the scrotum until red raw. Then, apply the affected part with peas pottage white fly scrotum blank.
After one week, scrap the whitefly off with a wire brush.

Ah! Vicar's scrotum! How many meories that brings back from my days at the Parsonage in Grantchester. Did you know it is an Orchid - so-called because the tubers resemble testicles - I didn't think so. And the pink wrinkly flesh of the petals too. For this reason according to the doctrine of signatures the powdered root was thought to have been an effective remedy for mumps by the Dyaks of the Piri Piri river in Sarawak.

Ah yes there's nothing like a Cymbidiopsis pairabollux hanging from a basket on the parsonage wall on a bright summers day, the familiar pungent musky scent wafting on the breeze and attracting curious visitors from miles around. Many's the time when at the local horticultural show the ladies of a certain age flock around,charmed by the subtle scent of my vicar's scrotum.

Yours
Rev. George Screwswell DD (rtd)


PS while on the subject of scented flowers how would the panel describe the subtle smell of 'Dutchman's Breeches'?

Well, the ones I have smelled are a little 'skunky' to be honest. I wouldn't bring them indoors and would advise that if you were handling the Dutchman's Breeches, you wear rubber gloves as they have a tendency to cause a nasty rash if you have delicate skin.

Heaven help you if you rub the Dutchman's Breeches and have an open wound on your hand...one of the members of the local Horticultural Society did so.

Suffice it to say, she WAS 'right-handed' and has had to learn to use her left hand for everything.

Incidentally, does anyone know how to get rid of aphids which seem to be attacking my vagazelles, especially the pink ones?

Vagazelles or vagazzles or 'bling bush' can be prone to what seem to be aphids but what is actually the result of using low grade metals such as copper in foliar feeds. The green spots are actually verdigris. A little polish now and again will soon get apical buds standing out once again.

So what you are saying is 'use foliar feeds' with much superior metal content...say 'gold'.

Thanks for the information.

Also...whilst I am here...our Family Tree is drooping a little...any ideas?

Gold would be ideal. As for the family tree it sounds as if it needs spicing up a bit if it is flagging like that. Prune unwanted branches and treat it to a little TLC some fertiliser would be a good idea fishmeal or blood are good but nothing beats bonemeal.

Pansies are overrunning my garden how can they be controlled?

Bonemeal! I don't think we have any around the house. I may have to go shopping.

As for the pansies. Take down all of your pink curtains and throw them over the pansies. They'll soon disappear but may well take your pink curtains with them. The question is..Are you willing to part with your pink curtains.?


Now, about my Rambling Rose....how do I tame it in order to stop it from rambling over to my neighbour's garden?

I did try the curtains but they just made them into hot pants oh well at least they have all skipped off now.

Rambling rose I think will need containing with a ball and chain she is a naughty girl.

What about Lily's? Everybody says they're nicer than mine it's so unfair!

Well you see, Lily's need nurturing. Are you nurturing yours? She's probably looking after hers very well. A little bit of TLC and a touch of WD40 should do the trick. Failing that, bring them over to my place and I'll carry out an indepth study of yours.

I have another question....my melons are not what they used to be....firm, large and round....what can I do to get them back to their former beauty...? I used to win prizes at the County Fair with my melons......now I don't even 'place'. I don't want to give up the 'fight'.

Any help anyone can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Doesn't look like 'anyone' wants to

In order to answer this tricky question though one must first ask if you have ever suffered from dyslexia - I would hate to give advice on melons if you really meant LEMONS it could result in disaster.

Percy Catcher
Head Gardener
Great Dickster
Kent