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As Jesus Budda is unable to type at this time due to a serious masturbation accident involving a weed wacker, he has asked me to submit today's installment of his diary. He dictated this from the hospital.

June 6th. D-Day. Omaha Beach. The Invasion of France. I wasn't there. Instead, I was sniffing all of the bicycle seat's outside of St. Mary's School for Wayward Girls. As those bicycles all belonged to male teachers, however, I got no thrill out of it.

April 12, 1877 in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia I think that this was the first time I ever realized that making fart noises could be amusing. I make them with my mouth, my hand under my armpit, and with my butt (though the last ones tend to stink a little bit more than the others).

Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. The Wright Brothers were not really the first ones to fly here. I beat them to it by over 200 years. Details of that mission have been classified since next week, so I can't talk about it.

The Garden of Eden. I blew it. I made a mistake. I hooked them up together. Adam and I were setting there and this chick named Eve walked by and I said to him "I bet you can't hit that." He did and the rest is history. She could have been mine!

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Quote: Jalapenoman

As Jesus Budda is unable to type at this time due to a serious masturbation accident involving a weed wacker, he has asked me to submit today's installment of his diary. He dictated this from the hospital.

June 6th. D-Day. Omaha Beach. The Invasion of France. I wasn't there. Instead, I was sniffing all of the bicycle seat's outside of St. Mary's School for Wayward Girls. As those bicycles all belonged to male teachers, however, I got no thrill out of it.

April 12, 1877 in Hobart, Tasmania, Australia I think that this was the first time I ever realized that making fart noises could be amusing. I make them with my mouth, my hand under my armpit, and with my butt (though the last ones tend to stink a little bit more than the others).

Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. The Wright Brothers were not really the first ones to fly here. I beat them to it by over 200 years. Details of that mission have been classified since next week, so I can't talk about it.

The Garden of Eden. I blew it. I made a mistake. I hooked them up together. Adam and I were setting there and this chick named Eve walked by and I said to him "I bet you can't hit that." He did and the rest is history. She could have been mine!

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At last some sense on this thread!

Why thank you, JO. It is really hard to sift out the banalities and get to the truth in JB's ramblings.

Here is some more:

JB has asked that I continue his memoirs as he was in a really bad masturbation accident (see explanation a couple of posts ago). As his right hand is in a sling and his left is soothing his penis, he cannot type right now.

Here is JB's entry for today:

I can't believe the new album cover by Adam Lambert. Doesn't he realize that the picture makes him look gay?

I once looked gay, but that only lasted until after I managed to fart and ease my gas pains. No one else liked the smell and told me that I should just look gay if it ever happened again.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Maybe because it was yesterday!

I've been saving my belly button lint since 1932 and finally made a sweater and matching mittens and scarf. I plan to wear them trick or treating next week. I haven't decided yet if I will wear any pants, but the mittens, scarf, and sweater are a must.

This morning, the nurse tried to feed me my breakfast. She asked what I wanted on my toast and I said "toe jam." This hospital doesn't have that flavor, so I settled for strawberry. It wasn't as good.

On the docks in Spain
In 1492, I saw Columbus sail the ocean blue. I wanted to help finance his mission, but he said that if I did the banks in North America would have to be closed on October 12th. I didn't like his explanation, so I put a sack of burning dog poop outside his door and did a "ring and run."

Waterloo
I finally found out why Napoleon has his hand in his jacket. He's got a fifteen inch penis and is playing with himself. I'll be this makes Skoob jealous. I turned his battle plans upside down and I think this made him loose.

I'm through dictating today. I think I'll ask my nurses for another sponge bath. They'd better not send male nurses this time.

And Skoob thinks I'm fucking bonkers, welcome to the club, drinks on me!

Jesus Budda - The Memoirs.

This is not a biography of Jesus Budda.
This is the personal memoirs of the greatest man in history.


Read back through my memoirs so far.
Go on, I'll wait.

See?
There's lots of stuff to enjoy. Something for all the family.


More shocking revelations to be revealed in future installments (when I'm fucking bothered).


The true Budda-lovers will appreciate the magic of the self-proclaimed GREATEST MAN IN HISTORY.

SEX
DRUGS
ROCK'N ROLL
WILD BINGES ON ALCHOHOLIC SUBSTANCES
GUNS
CARS
TRAINS
SHIPS
HOVERCRAFTS
SEX IN BALLOONS
FINGER PAINTING
EATING BOWLS OF CORN FLAKES

MORE, MUCH,MUCH MORE.....

As JB has returned from his accident, I will return the writing of his memoirs back over to him.

By the way, did you enjoy your sponge bath from Nurse Ratched?

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Quote: Jalapenoman

As JB has returned from his accident, I will return the writing of his memoirs back over to him.

By the way, did you enjoy your sponge bath from Nurse Ratched?

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JP, your a star, hows the Taccos?

Yes JB's accident caused quite an uproar in downtown Letchley, they've never seen an upturned Elephant block the level crossing before!

I once had my pubic hair shaved off by a male nurse prior to an operation. That is true. I didn't get a stiffy on. Also true.

Although what this has to do with anything I have no idea.

It's just that I found it rather traumatic.

Regards

Skoob.

I once had my pubes waxed by a small Vietnamese man in a nail salon.

Not really; I just wanted to be involved. I do get so lonely sometimes.



Skoob, you have no one to blame but yourself for the path this conversation has taken.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I once had my pubes waxed by a small Vietnamese man in a nail salon.

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My friend Ling Chow says that he once gave a Brazilian to a woman that was hairier than a gorilla. I wonder if this was a coincidence.

Are you the lady that stiffed him on the tip, saying that his stiffy was tip enough?

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Quote: Skoob1999

I once had my pubic hair shaved off by a male nurse prior to an operation.

Skoob.

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Happened to me twice. Once by a male nurse when I was thirteen and had my appendix removed. he stood there and make wisecracks about the size of 13 year old boys to the nurse in the room and got me really embarrassed. If it had happened to me as an adult, I would have gotten the idiot fired or reprimanded for unprofessional conduct.

The second time was by a female nurse when I was in my late 30's and had a vasectomy. I couldn't react to that one, or even make any comments, as my wife was in the room.

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Quote: Jalapenoman

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Quote: Skoob1999

I once had my pubic hair shaved off by a male nurse prior to an operation.

Skoob.

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Happened to me twice. Once by a male nurse when I was thirteen and had my appendix removed. he stood there and make wisecracks about the size of 13 year old boys to the nurse in the room and got me really embarrassed. If it had happened to me as an adult, I would have gotten the idiot fired or reprimanded for unprofessional conduct.

The second time was by a female nurse when I was in my late 30's and had a vasectomy. I couldn't react to that one, or even make any comments, as my wife was in the room.

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Can someone please inform me what "pubes" are, I've just entered a convent!

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Quote: Jaggedone

Can someone please inform me what "pubes" are, I've just entered a convent!

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As you are currently on the internet, I'm sure that you can find plenty of pictures. If not, Madame Bitters can send you a photo or two.

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Quote: Jalapenoman

Are you the lady that stiffed him on the tip, saying that his stiffy was tip enough?

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Depends.

Does Ling Chow offer a complementary sphincter bleaching when a customer gets their 10th Brazilian wax?

You see what you've started, Skoob?

MB,

I don't know about the sphincter thing, but (thinking of a thread in another forum) Ling Chow always says that his job is finger lickin' good!

Vagina.


BEF

Everyone is fascinated by my penis.
Its true.
Don't be bashful, Mary, I've seen those looks you've given me in the past. I know its more than disgust and pity.

Well seeing as there is such a great interest in this topic I think it only right and proper to talk about hovercraft's:

I have only been in a hovercraft in my dreams.
But as we all know, dreams are reality that has yet to happen.

Using my dreams and some random information, I will write about the sacred mechanical she-beast we all call Mr. Hovercraft.

Swedish scientist Emanuel Swedenborg in 1716 explored the principle of hoverboats. He was all talk and no action. I told him that. In my dreams, baby.

In 1915 Austrian Dagobert Müller built the world's first air-cushion vehicle. It was - and I quote - "nice".
Some people thought it was "fine" and one grumpy bastard said it was "shit".

Konstantin Eduardovich Tsiolkovskii explored the theoretical grounds for the construction of a proper hovercraft in the mid-20's. But the stupid fool couldn't be bothered building one himself. The bastard.


Finnish aero engineer Toivo J. Kaario designed the first proper one in 1931. But the bastards wouldn't fund it because they didn't think he would Finish it. Ha ha!
Yes, that was shit.
Finnish women are beautiful. Beautiful with teeny, tiny eyes.

In the 1930's, Russia's Vladimir Levkov built a few hovercrafts that reached 70- knots. But nobody could untie them and it was abandoned. ha ha. Groan...


Ok, lets skip a few decades and get to some decent looking hovercrafts.

The idea of the modern hovercraft is most often associated with Sir Christopher Cockerell, a man renowned for a huge penis which he used to wash the top windows of his house with (with sponge attached by some twine and sticky tape).

In spite of tireless efforts to arrange funding the military proved uninterested, as he later noted, "The Navy said it was a plane not a boat; the RAF said it was a boat not a plane; and the Army were 'plain not interested'"

I told him to keep on going and even offered to help around the house. He confused me with a male gigolo and refused to accept any more of my calls.
The bastard.

Developers discovered taht if you gave the hovercraft a 'skirt' it would help trap the air beneath the machine and make it achieve greater speed and more efficient.
i suggested a mini skirt and tight bra top but they said it was inappropriate and way too sexy.
The bastards.

Another discovery was that the total amount of air needed to lift the craft was a function of the roughness of the surface it traveled over. On flat surfaces, like pavement, the needed air pressure was so low that hovercraft were able to compete in energy terms with conventional systems like steel wheels. However, as the hovercraft lift system acted as both a lift and very effective suspension, it naturally lent itself to high-speed use where conventional suspension systems were considered too complex.
All very fascinating but not sexy or related to bikini waxes.


Who was Buck E Filbert? Why did he leave? Did he leave?
Why the fascination with the vagina?

Show me your knickers, Mary.

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Quote: Jesus Budda

Vagina.


BEF

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Why the sudden memories of Buck E. Filbert (photographer to the stars)?

Last I remember, he had to taper off on his writing because he was directing a few music videos. Never heard from since.

Vagina.

Tee hee hee....The mystery continues.....lots more little dots....and some more.....

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Quote: Jalapenoman

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Quote: Jaggedone

Can someone please inform me what "pubes" are, I've just entered a convent!

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As you are currently on the internet, I'm sure that you can find plenty of pictures. If not, Madame Bitters can send you a photo or two.

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JP after entering the Convent I have promised to practice celebacy and never get married again, but popping it with young shaven Nuns, no prob!

This religious thing does have its advantages!

OCT 31


Today - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.



1641 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1725 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1888 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1904 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1944 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1978 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1986 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1991 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

1996 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

2001 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.

2008 - Halloween. I fucking hate Halloween.


On a side note I would like to make a solemn promise:
If any motherfucking, cocksucking prick cocksucker ever tries to break into my house and steal from me I will cut your fucking throat.

I sleep with two large blades by my bedside as well as a large monkey wrench. this is not sexual.

If I ever see a cunt even considering entering my garden - let alone enter the actual building - I will fucking mangle your face so bad, you cunt, that your mother will have to feed you through your anus. You bollox, I will carve the shit out of you.

Fucking thieving bastards should have their balls ripped off and be made drink cooking oil then set alight internally.

This little outburst was inspired by a recent spate of robberies that ha pissed me off.

JB has hated Halloween 12 of the past 368 years. I guess it was okay the rest of the time.

I sure hope the Tooth Fairy doesn't go by JB's to pick up all of his rotted teeth tonight.....she will leave you money for them, you know.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I sure hope the Tooth Fairy doesn't go by JB's to pick up all of his rotted teeth tonight.....she will leave you money for them, you know.

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I wouldn't knock on his door at any price

I think its time to cover my 'anger issue'.

Many people have said to me: "Jesus Budda, you have an anger issue".

I tell them: "Yes I do. I am a very angry person."

"Why so, Jesus Budda?"

"Its just my personality. You see, I am very short tempered and easily annoyed. Somebody could say something in the middle of a conversation and I will all of a sudden change tone and begin a long and venomous rant".

"How interesting. And scary".

"Yes indeed, my pretty. Whereas others can contain their rage, I just let it all out in a tsunami of expletives, violent hand gestures and wild accusations."

"You scare me, Jesus Budda"

"I know"

"No. I mean you really scare me, Jesus Budda..."

"Yes, I quite understand"

"Are you going to...hurt me?"

"Oh, don't be so silly. My hatred for you is tempered by your fear. You see, your fear and the piss running down your legs is a sign that you are no threat to me. I mean you no harm little one."

"Th-thats g-g-good..."

"Oh, no need to shiver like that. I haven't killed anyone. Yet. You are quite safe. I actually like you"

"You do?"

"Why of course I do! Why did you think i had my hands down your blouse?"

"Can I go now? P-p=please?"

"Sure you can. Just let me remove my hand and off you run on your merry little way, my pixie-ish friend"



PS: Tooth fairies? What sort of weirdo enters somebody's bedroom to buy their teeth?
Just remember those two blades and the monkey wrench...