Discussion Forum

Edible turds would appeal to coprophiliac.

I once made another boy lick dog poo so that he could play with me. I of course was also a child at the time. It would be very, very wrong if I did this, say, last Tuesday. Wouldn't it?


I'm sick of getting milk that is dated a few days ahead and kept in the fridge and then opening it and pouring it over my Corn Flakes and discovering it is sour!

Supermarkets are lowering their refrigeration units at night (or turning them of completely) to save on electricity.
The bastards!

Someone will die from this madness.
Or get the shits.
Like me.

I swear to God, I saw a man about today clearing the drains. I bet it was me. I used so much toilet paper that it had to have been me that caused the blockage.
My backside is red raw. Just look at it!
Look at it! Red. Raw.
I rubbed vitamin E cream into it last night to calm it down. It will never be the same again. My beautiful bottom.

You bastard sausage daters!!!!!

If animal food products have sell by dates - why don't clothes made of animal skin and fur?

If they last for ever then why not spray what they spray on them onto humans - hey presto we live forever - unless we are tumbled dried incorrectly then we would shrink.

i volunteer to be sprayed with that stuff.

I would send a day as a midget and report back to normal sized people on my experiences.
I would be an undercover agent reporting on abuses of the little folk.


Midgets are always either very angry or very happy. No in between. It's either one or the other.
When I went to school i would see this midget who wore very tight denims.
Her ass was so fat it down at her little tiny knees.
If she had been an elf (and therefore better proportioned) she would have been a real looker.

Not that I was in with a chance. She was older and more mature. I was just a schoolboy. It would never have worked.
Society would never accept us.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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Quote: Jaggedone

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Quote: Madame Bitters

Naw, JB was Pinky Tuscadero.

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MB, I detect a certain masochistic, fatal attraction towards JB's constant rumblings, are you his wife?

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She is me, you slow fool.

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I am him and he is me, and we are all together.

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Are you then a Zwitter (Google it Klugscheisser)

Famous Rammstein song called "Zwitter" here a sample of lyrics:

"ich habe nie versagt wenn einer zu mir Fick Dich sagt,

Hope your Deutsch ist ausreichend!

Frohe Weihnachten

Hello, Jaggedone.
Oh, how I love it when you appear on MY THREAD.

A Zwitter? No, I am not a zwitter.

I have balls, of course, but no vagina. Unlike you.
You have a vagina face.
A puss-filled vagina face that makes people point and laugh at you as you waddle down the cobblestoned streets in your wooden clogs, you foolish man.

Now go and change your shirt and fuck off.

Ha ha!

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Quote: Jesus Budda

Hello, Jaggedone.
Oh, how I love it when you appear on MY THREAD.

A Zwitter? No, I am not a zwitter.

I have balls, of course, but no vagina. Unlike you.
You have a vagina face.
A puss-filled vagina face that makes people point and laugh at you as you waddle down the cobblestoned streets in your wooden clogs, you foolish man.

Now go and change your shirt and fuck off.

Ha ha!

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It's actually been proven that you are joined at the DICK with your CUNT, hence the non-stop circulating bullshit, please continue, we all love it here.

I spilt some gravy down my shirt today, but left it on extra for this thread?

I don't know German, JO. And I don't care to learn it either. So I won't be Googling it or Twittering it or whatever the fuck it is that you said.

German is an ugly, ugly language for ugly, ugly people.

I'm not saying all Germans are ugly, just most of them.

I mean look at Claudia Schiffer, for God's sake. Look at her!!!!!!! What she saw in that hack "magician" David Copperfield is anyone's guess.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I don't know German, JO. And I don't care to learn it either. So I won't be Googling it or Twittering it or whatever the fuck it is that you said.

German is an ugly, ugly language for ugly, ugly people.

I'm not saying all Germans are ugly, just most of them.

I mean look at Claudia Schiffer, for God's sake. Look at her!!!!!!! What she saw in that hack "magician" David Copperfield is anyone's guess.

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He made her horniness disappear!

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Quote: Bargis Tryhol

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I don't know German, JO. And I don't care to learn it either. So I won't be Googling it or Twittering it or whatever the fuck it is that you said.

German is an ugly, ugly language for ugly, ugly people.

I'm not saying all Germans are ugly, just most of them.

I mean look at Claudia Schiffer, for God's sake. Look at her!!!!!!! What she saw in that hack "magician" David Copperfield is anyone's guess.

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He made her horniness disappear!

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Must have been a pretty poor excuse for a "magic wand."

I think that's why she left him!

Obviously proving that JB/MB are joined at the crutch and all Magicians are GAY,

Siegfried and Roy (bite your neck out!)
Dutch twat Hans whoever, certainly Gay ask Ruby Wax.
David Copper-filed divorce because he thought Cindy was a German Transvestite from Berlin, Cabaret, and she turned out to be Liza Minelli in drag.
Tommy Cooper wasn't Gay but then again he wasn't a magician either, JUST LIKE THIS, hee, hee my Fez in Marocco, Kenneth Wiliams was certainly Gay and loved to disappear to Marocco, Bums a plenty!
Jimmy Saville loved his mum and Ken Dodd, so what

My magic wand works okay.

I used to want to be a magician when I was a kid.

When I got older, I realized magic must be fake - otherwise, they could just make stuff appear, like a mansion and stacks of money, just by saying "abracadabra."

Nowadays, my most impressive trick is also my most expensive - I can make stacks of money vanish, as if into thin air!!

Making Claudia Schiffer disappear is a terrible trick.

What would be really nice is if you could evacuate your bowels just by saying "presto," and you'd never have to wipe your ass again.

Jesus Budda is probably with me on this one.

;(

I do agree with you, SFO.

I too wanted to be a magician. But I didn't have the swiftness of hand movement required and was crap with cards.

David Copperfield is an amazing magician, though. That time he floated through a crowd was incredible. Everyone knew he was on strings but he made it look so graceful and had you almost imagining he really COULD fly.
Penn and Teller are good too - although taht Pennn fella is a bit of a dick.

Siegfired and Roy are good too.

Magicians are gay. It's so obvious. The costumes, the big hair, the tight pants, the sparkles...but they are magical gay.

I hate crap magicians. The ones that just do shitty card tricks and saw people in half.
David Blaine put a modern spin on card tricks but then he started doing that pointless sitting in boxes and ice and crap.
Whats magic about that?
Magic should be spectacular, man.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MAN???????

I wish I could have seen Houdini perform.

The funny thing about Houdini is that while he was an illusionist, he was also a bitter skeptic who took pride in exposing mediums, seances and other supernatural/magic stuff

I think that's pretty ironic, considering how he made his fortune tricking people and making them see what he wanted them to see.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I wish I could have seen Houdini perform.

The funny thing about Houdini is that while he was an illusionist, he was also a bitter skeptic who took pride in exposing mediums, seances and other supernatural/magic stuff

I think that's pretty ironic, considering how he made his fortune tricking people and making them see what he wanted them to see.

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He wasn't Gay either, well Tony Curtis certainly wasn't

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I wish I could have seen Houdini perform.

The funny thing about Houdini is that while he was an illusionist, he was also a bitter skeptic who took pride in exposing mediums, seances and other supernatural/magic stuff

I think that's pretty ironic, considering how he made his fortune tricking people and making them see what he wanted them to see.

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He wasn't Gay either, well Tony Curtis certainly wasn't

sorry computer's fucked

....copperfield was good, but alas apparently NOT gay per the various rape allegations that have surfaced in recent past....seems that more than a wabbit was tucked in his pantaloons.....and appeared when his assistants least expected it....

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Quote: Jaggedone

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I wish I could have seen Houdini perform.

The funny thing about Houdini is that while he was an illusionist, he was also a bitter skeptic who took pride in exposing mediums, seances and other supernatural/magic stuff

I think that's pretty ironic, considering how he made his fortune tricking people and making them see what he wanted them to see.

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He wasn't Gay either, well Tony Curtis certainly wasn't

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You know quite well, Jaggedone, that Tony Curtis is as gay as a fat man in a pink leotard strolling up and down the streets of San Francisco and Sydney waving at passersby and saying "Coo-eee, Kiss kiss!".

Any man who has boasted for about 900 years about f*cking Marilyn Monroe is screaming!
And now he claims that she was having his baby!
The fucking fool!

All those films were he has hanging out of Kirk Douglas? He not only wanted to be Spartacus: he wanted to fuck Spartacus.

Sure, he ran away when Laurence Olivier came onto him with that snails/oysters routine in the film, but that Tony wasn't shy about a bit of rumpy-pumpy with any other centurian.

That man is a Brooklyn Dame Edna if ever I've seen one.

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Quote: Jesus Budda

...as gay as a fat man in a pink leotard strolling up and down the streets of San Francisco and Sydney waving at passersby and saying "Coo-eee, Kiss kiss!".

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You saw him too, eh?

I didn't realize you were in town.

Yep, I was there alright.
Dressed as a hairdresser and wearing a baby doll t-shirt and fluffy horns.
Incognito they call it...

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Quote: Madame Bitters

I wish I could have seen Houdini perform.

The funny thing about Houdini is that while he was an illusionist, he was also a bitter skeptic who took pride in exposing mediums, seances and other supernatural/magic stuff

I think that's pretty ironic, considering how he made his fortune tricking people and making them see what he wanted them to see.

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He just wanted to wipe out the competition. Cheeky boy!
They said he was a spy too.

I don't know who 'they' are. Probably Siegfried and Roy.

Today I would like to discuss theSpoof.com ratings system.
Many people have complained about getting hit by the mysterious "1-Star Bandit".

I myself (myslef?) have been struck by this foul creature.
It made me feel sad.
Sometimes I cried....boo-hoo...sob...

I tried to analyse the rating.
Why give me less thatn 5 stars? Why? Why??? Why, Goddamnit!??

I reread the stories or article to find out, to see if I could find a clue as to the meaning of this hideous misfortune tat had come upon me (oo-eer!)

To be honest, I found that my stuff was generally humerous overall. Nothing about them that was less funny thatn something else I had previously written and had recieved a magical 5 stars and a kiss on the cheek for.

Was it the subject matter?
Probably but then again not always becasue sometimes a certain popular figure would get good ratings too, despite me calling them shithead, dickwad, prick, assshole, cunt, knobhead, cock mouth, shit grabber, cock licker and suchlike.

And then I gave up. Fuck it. It's not worth bothering about.
Vast majority of rating s(I find) are from other spoof writers. And who gives a fuck about their opinion, eh?!

False confidence is created by other writers giving you lots of stars just becasue they 'like' you or want to 'sleep with you' or whatever. (I know of one writers who persisted in giving me 5 stars just so that I would give him sexual stimulation. Well, back off, Fergus, I'm not that kind of man anymore)

Should the ratings be stopped?
Fuck do I know!
It gives encouragement to writers when you get nice shiny stars but it just pisses people off when they get one-stars and they start to cry and commit suicide (It happens, trust me).

The first rating counts.
The first person to read your story and give it a rating sets the standard by which the others will follow. You get a one-star and others will automatically think that you are shit.
But you get a 5 star and their expectations will be risen so high that your story can barely be able to come up to their expectant standards.
What to do?

Oh, I don't give a flying fuck.

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Quote: Jesus Budda

Today I would like to discuss theSpoof.com ratings system.
Many people have complained about getting hit by the mysterious "1-Star Bandit".

(Blahblahblahblahblah)

Oh, I don't give a flying fuck.

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5 stars!!!

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Quote: Jesus Budda

He just wanted to wipe out the competition. Cheeky boy!
They said he was a spy too.

I don't know who 'they' are. Probably Siegfried and Roy.

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Ah yes, it's all falling into place........

Oh, I don't give a flying fuck.

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JB, I'm beginning to regain my faith in a lost cause, your madness appears to be on the up and I feel a slight slight of solidarity, could this be the breakthrough or just a passing Houdini trick?

Only time will tell.

PS: some of your rant was quite "cutting edge" (something I'm used too)