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This whole 'moving to the start of the page after adding a link or bold print thing' is making Jesus Budda very angry.

I don't understand hypertext html stuff!
Its too confusing.
I can't remember how t manually add all those slashes and brackets and things.
I just want the page to stay still so I can remember where I am.
I am a very in-the-moment type of person. I want it now and i don't want to have to go looking for it, goddamnit!

Maybe some facts of the day will calm me down?
Hmmm, lets see:

DECEMBER 1


Today - I came. I saw. I used a hankie to wipe away the come.

1640 - Portugal regains independence after 60 years of Spanish rule. Good for them.

1653 - An athlete from Croydon is reported to have run 20 miles from St Albans to London in less than 90 minutes. Can't blame him really. When a man's gotta go, a man's gotta go.

1878 - 1st White House telephone installed. Wonder who they called? Probably the phone company to complain about the fucking ridiculous call charges. The bastards are overcharging my phone. Sneaky fuckers.

1887 - Sherlock Holmes 1st appears in print. The pattern suited him too!

1906 - Cinema Omnia Pathe, world's 1st cinema, opens in Paris. Bet they overcharged too. Bastards.

Lets skip forward a bit...

1982 - Michael Jackson releases "Thriller". Overrated.


Famous Birthdays?
Why not.

1940 - Richard Pryor. Dead now. Any man that sets his pants on fire is alright, I guess.

1935 - Woody Allen. He described masturbation as 'sex with someone I love'. It's true. When Woody masturbates me I love it.

1081 - Louis VI of France. He saw all of Woody Allen's films before he died (in the past0 and said that he laughed about three times. good for him.

Thats it. Shit.

JB

You forgot:

1942 - Alien, Mork from the planet Ork landed in London, penned all of Churchill's war speeches and then fucked off to Boulder Colorado. to partake in an unrequited love affair with local woman Pam Dauber aka Mindy.

The bastard.

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Quote: Skoob1999

JB

You forgot:

1942 - Alien, Mork from the planet Ork landed in London, penned all of Churchill's war speeches and then fucked off to Boulder Colorado. to partake in an unrequited love affair with local woman Pam Dauber aka Mindy.

The bastard.

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Oh, didn't forget. You never forget things like that.
I ignored it becasue it was much too...painful....

I like 'new' writers who appear and make an impression (whether good or bad).

Spices up things around here.
Gather round the fire children and let me tell you tales of ye olde times: tales of when i first joined this here magical website of fun and japes; tales of when Duncan and Buckwheats joined; the first time Fergus was called a prick by me; the time Carina snapped at me; some other shit...oh, wonderous times aplenty of adventures and mischief...Dr. Edward Maxwell' the love affair with the Monkey; the countrless accusations of writers being the mysterious 'Paul Lowton';or what about the strange beauty that was Chamone?

Tales for all ages.

Available newsstands Jan 2010.

Nice Avatar, JB

Did you notice, however, that there is an ugly woman underneath you?

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Quote: Jalapenoman

Nice Avatar, JB

Did you notice, however, that there is an ugly woman underneath you?

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I was about to congratulate you on the 1000 story's but now....Oh, go on then! Congratulations, jellypenisman!

I added two new chapters to O' Halloran: Murder with a Capital Punishment by accident - Chapters 7 and Chapter 8.

This whole html link stuff is very confusing.

All Chapters: Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8

Shit. Forgot what i was about to say.

Been reading some great things lately.
Writing letter to the man with the beard. Hope Rasputin brings me lots of lovely things.
Merry Christmas to all.

JB, Missed a few pages of your insightful and entertaining ramblings on this thread, but must admit in all honesty that your new icon is quite perky. Still miss the rotund dancing boy, but this runs a very close second.

Signed, faithfully,
A Dirty Old PM

PM, if I ever gave birth to a fully grown man then I wish that man was you.
Thank you for admiring my body.

PM,

You don't want to be his son. He tried to feed Henman (his bastard Nigerian son) to the lions.

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Quote: Jesus Budda

I like 'new' writers who appear and make an impression (whether good or bad).

Me too.

Spices up things around here.
Gather round the fire children and let me tell you tales of ye olde times: tales of when i first joined this here magical website of fun and japes; tales of when Duncan and Buckwheats joined; the first time Fergus was called a prick by me; the time Carina snapped at me; some other shit...oh, wonderous times aplenty of adventures and mischief...Dr. Edward Maxwell' the love affair with the Monkey; the countrless accusations of writers being the mysterious 'Paul Lowton';or what about the strange beauty that was Chamone?

Tales for all ages.

Available newsstands Jan 2010.

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Happy days.

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Quote: Fergus McCarthy

Happy days.

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Was JB the Fonz also?

Naw, JB was Pinky Tuscadero.

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Quote: Madame Bitters

Naw, JB was Pinky Tuscadero.

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MB, I detect a certain masochistic, fatal attraction towards JB's constant rumblings, are you his wife?

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Quote: Jaggedone

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Quote: Madame Bitters

Naw, JB was Pinky Tuscadero.

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MB, I detect a certain masochistic, fatal attraction towards JB's constant rumblings, are you his wife?

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She is me, you slow fool.

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Quote: Fergus McCarthy

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Quote: Jesus Budda

I like 'new' writers who appear and make an impression (whether good or bad).

Me too.

Spices up things around here.
Gather round the fire children and let me tell you tales of ye olde times: tales of when i first joined this here magical website of fun and japes; tales of when Duncan and Buckwheats joined; the first time Fergus was called a prick by me; the time Carina snapped at me; some other shit...oh, wonderous times aplenty of adventures and mischief...Dr. Edward Maxwell' the love affair with the Monkey; the countrless accusations of writers being the mysterious 'Paul Lowton';or what about the strange beauty that was Chamone?

Tales for all ages.

Available newsstands Jan 2010.

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Happy days.

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God, its so true, isn't it, Fergus. I have such fond memories of these things.
Fond, fond memories indeed...

What about the day Gnsrly Eric left?

Or the time I relived the details of that horrible day as a child in school when I watched that other kid clean his backside on a towel just becasue that fucking wicked bitch of a teacher said we were limited to one to two sheets of toilet paper only?

When Jalapenoman pretended to Professor Leakey?

Ahh, happy days indeed...

Or what about Nick Fun's ghostly tennis court story that was so riveting it had me literally biting my nails in anticipation of his next entry. Which never came. Ever.

Who can forget the loving relationship with my long lost son Henman? How I bravely defended him against that bully Buckwheats and his racist tirades and then subsequently threatened to kill and mutilate him.
Ahh, sweet, sweet memories all...

When Queen Mudder falsely accused me of stealing her Carla Bruni/Sultan of Brunei headline (the fat slag)?

When JR was shot by Kristen?

When Harry met Sally?

When will I, will I be famous?

Wednesday?

When a man and a woman?


Where were you when all these things took place?
I know where I was.
Here.

Merry Christmas once again, all, and to all a good night and Sunday.

I'm thinking about starting another gang.
But this time I want young and nubile members.
With leather jackets with a cool crest on the back.

No racist, backwoodsmen, no oldies, no people who want to be 'nice', we will ride bicycles like some sort of eco-firendly hells angels but we really don't give a shit about the world, we will rool into town and neatly park or 'rides' against the walls then go inside to bars and drink Jack Daniels and coke and hang about a bit as we scare the tightass locals and then hit the road again for some more pointless advneures.

Who's up for it?
Who wants to fuck the system, man?
Who wants to rebel against the governments and the man? Yeah, baby, THE MAN!

I'm not of course limiting this to just rebelling against males, as females are of course included in the rebelling against, but I am merely using the generalised term 'THE MAN' to refer to the currant accepted system of rules and regulations that govern modern society.

Spoof boys and girls welcome to join s long as you are over the age of 17/18.

We could have knife fights and stuff. And have a secret HQ in the mountains. And we'd all grow big long beards and the women would wear tight costumes. Of fuck it, the men can wear tight costumes too. Let's not be sexist about this.

Our name could be: THE Kool Gang. Yeah. That name would strike fear into every mortal!

Maybe its just all a dream. Probably never happen. It was a good idea while it lasted, guess...

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Quote: Jesus Budda

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Quote: Jaggedone

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Quote: Madame Bitters

Naw, JB was Pinky Tuscadero.

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MB, I detect a certain masochistic, fatal attraction towards JB's constant rumblings, are you his wife?

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She is me, you slow fool.

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I am him and he is me, and we are all together.

Its all true.

You're gonna have to change your avatar again JB

We're running out of ice cubes.

Regards

Skoob.

Be changing the Avatar in a minute, Skoob.
Just processing the new picture as we speak.


ANNOUNCEMENT OF MINIMUM IMPORTANCE!

O' Halloran: Murder with a Capital Punishment finals chapters have been added - part 9 and the two alternative endings.

All Chapters: Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8|Part 9

Alternative Endings

DEATH

SALVATION



So long, O' Halloran.
We may never see him again.

I ate a sausage that was dated the 9th of December yesterday.
I thought I'd be fine.

I was wrong.

I only ate a tiny piece but by Christ I suffered.

I will not go into graphic detail but let me just say that I shit myself almost to death. There was shit flying out of me left, right and centre.
There was shit and more shit and more shit. it was like a storm of shit and I was trapped inside the very eye of the shit storm, shitting like my life depended on shitting shit out of my backside.

I shit and I shit and then, when I thought I was finished, I shit some more.

Such a small nibble of sausage yet so great a shitting experience.

Twelve times I went to the toilet. Twelve times!

And the sausage was not out of date until today.
I ask all sausage sellers and the people who stamp the labels with the dates on them to please, PLEASE, make sure that you put the correct date on them.
For the sake of my ass I plead with you.

That is all.

Who chooses these dates?

Is it random or guess work?

I have a tip - edible turds - invented by an Alaskan man who summers in Florida - apparently they are all the rage!