Discussion Forum

I've had them.


I installed blinds for a while - but I could never get the hang of that

I managed a football team who were sponsored by Formica - but I resigned: I knew they'd never be table-toppers.

I made violins - till I bowed out.

I worked in ventilation - but I blew that one.

Then I worked at a petrol station - till I had my fill of that.

I worked at a pottery - then I got fired.

I was a plumber - but it drove me round the bend.

I played records on the local radio - but I was just going round in circles.

I got a job at the sewage plant - but I hated that, I was just going through the motions.

Then I had a job measuring the filling of pillows: but that soon went down in my estimation.

Then I was a clown - but it cost me a fortune in shoe polish.

I drilled for oil - but that was too boring.

I trained as a proctologist - but I couldn;t find an opening.

I worked in a casino - but I soon got my cards.

I installed curtains - but it made me nervous and I just couldn't pull myself together.

I applied to make felt hats but I fluffed the interview

People used to ask me why I sold mattresses but nothing sprung to mind

I was a archaeological tourist guide at Hadrian's wall but I never saw a Roman in the Glomin'

I was a proctologist too but couldn't be arsed

I tried swallowing razorblades and swords but that didn't go down too well

You guys should write these up as spoofs rather than put them here where no one sees them.
I think they would work.

Can't speak for Lynton, but I do put my jewels** into spoofs sometimes. No one sees them as spoofs either. I'm lucky to get 50 hits.

But yes, thanks, I know what you mean. Very true.

**Warning: irony, satire.

I used to be a fortune teller, but didn't see a future in it.

So, I became a medium, but got too fat.

When I was 15 and jacked school I humped sacks of coal for the local coal supplier in Belvedere, Kent; Alf Cufley his name. Broke my fucking back!

What happened? Did you get the sack?

I thought I'd cracked it when I got a job laying crazy paving.

The job in the Easter Egg factory was no yolk, I can tell you.

My mother (bless her soul) forbid me entering our prefab because I looked like Al Jolson and washing in the shed became quite a nuisance in the freezing winter!

So I sodded off to warmer parts and hitch-hiked to Spain for 3 years! Beach bum, my best job ever!!!!!!!!! And the girls, man o man!

I tried being an impressionist, but it wasn't really me.

Then I tried stand-up, but got the sack for sitting down on the job.

I was a clinical trials volunteer, but got sacked for being off sick too often.

Tried genealogy but it drove me off my tree.

Worked at the sewage plant but got fired for shit stirring.

Regards

Skoob

I tried Spoofing but I was really shit.

Worked as apprentice embalmer.

Until one morning I had a reality check; I woke up and smelled the coffin...

Got promised a job as a balloonist but it was all hot air.

I was a hairdresser for a while, but I gave it up because I wasn't cut out for it.
I tried being a rent boy too, but I had to give it up when I bought a house.
I considered being a glass blower but I couldn't find any glass that I fancied.
I was a refuse collector for a while but it was rubbish so I quit.
I was a cow psychiatrist for a couple of years, a very mooooving job it was.
A sheep hired me as his agent, I had to quit because there was baaaaarely any money in it.

I worked as a cleaner for Ferrari in their F1 wind tunnel. Some of the technology blew me away.
I used to make Oxo cubes for a living. It was a high pressure environment. Eventually I crumbled under the pressure.

I tried drug dealing but I had to stop because I made a complete hash of it.

Tried working for Coleman's but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I sold sleeping pills in Camelot for a while. That was a tough job. All those sleepless knights.

I was a butcher once... but I got the chop!

Inchy

I used to be Paul Daniels' glamourous assistant but I quit when the job lost it's magic.
I used to make ladders for a living. It was a step up from all my other jobs.
I worked for the HMRC but I had to leave because it was just too taxing.
I had a job as a delivery man for a brewery. That was a barrel of laughs.
It was like having all your birthdays and Christmasses at once when I worked for Clinton cards.
I used to work on a telephone switchboard. I gave it up because it wasn't my true calling in life.
I once trained guide dogs for the blind. I quit because I couldn't see a future in it.

Please forgive all my awful puns!

I used to make 'Dead End' signs for the Highways agency. I quit because the career was going nowhere.

I was a gynaecologist for a while, but I got sacked because I wouldn't pull my finger out.

When I tried being a miller, I got released for keeping my nose to the grindstone.

My career as a child psychologist was short-lived, I was released as soon as I turned sixteen.

I worked in a plant nursery for a while, but I had to get out of that hothouse environment.

Iain

I worked as a Mortician but it was a dead end job so I left.

Worked as an Astronaught I was unwilling to travel.

Then as a Chimney Sweep I got the brush off.

I am now a qualified Maggot trainer for a well known fishing tackle company.

Grongle Dangle
London

I trucked (and f+cked) all through Europe once and never lost a wheel (it's true).

I was gutted when I lost the job in the contortionist act. I bent over backwards to keep that one. As I practised each night at home I really felt I was coming into my own.

I was a professional skier for a few years. It was all downhill from there.
I was a snooker pro as well but I quit because I got bored of all the cueing.
I tried being a deep sea diver but quickly realised I was out of my depth.

I tried my hand as a parrots interpreter. I gave it up because it was very repetative.