Discussion Forum

No matter how bizarre or life changing it was I bet it can't match this little peach that I received from my somewhat smaller and slightly blonder other half about an hour ago.

It read, and I kid you not...."Just had my tits squashed in a vice and am now going back to work. Love you x"

Now then my good friends, I pondered this rather alarming news for quite some time until all at once the scales fell from my eyes and I remembered her telling me she was going for a routine breast screening this morning.

I wonder if any other Spoofeteers have momentarily wondered if their missus had been drawn into the dark, forbidding, taboo world of Sado/Masochism by the local blacksmith.......again.

Carry on.

My last text message from my other half read:

After 6. Yes!

Whereas my last text message I received read:

Well as I am likely to be in your aura then it is unlikely.

I understood the one from my wife. I'd asked her at what time evening officially becomes night, and if she agreed with Henry VIII's dissolution of the catholic church in order to fund a war. That was a bugger to put in a text message, I'll tell you.

The second text message is from somebody I'm giving a lift to tonight and makes no sense at all. I'd asked him what time he wanted picking up. I suppose it could be a haiku.

[perplexed look]

Iain

Ag ag ag ag ag ag......etc.

The girlies eh Iain?

Can't live with em, can't drown em in a bucket.

The last text I got was from a lovely, beautiful young woman. It read;

If I see you hiding in my bins again I'll call the police. And stop pushing your used tissues through my letterbox.

Ah, and they say romance is dead.

Simon

I remember sending a text like that....to my ex.

Ellie

I get all sorts of surreal text messages, due mostly to the accursed 'auto correct' (or 'productive tuxedo' as we say in the UK) facility.

Like these examples from The Daily Fail * spit *

"pick up the washable twill on your way home."

Sorry, I thought you said textile messages.

I'm in Buchanan Street, but I can't see you. Its too busy. I'm going to stand on the Concert Hall Steps. Please wave your hands in the air so I can locate you.

Not so much a text message, but I once came home from work to find that my ex had left me a note on the table which read:


Gone to the lunatic asylum.

Your dinner is all over my tits.

Had a good chuckle over all of the above guys. Good work fellas and fellarettas.

Now then. I had one from my fellow mechanic son and famed verbose raconteur and wit a month or so back which simply bore the legend "Yes"

What he was actually intending to say was.

"Hey dad. I'm just texting to thank you for passing down your most excellent genes to my unworthy body. Thanks to you I'm now so damn fair of face and powerful of frame that I have to beat off the scantily clad blart with a pry bar night in night bastard out!
So thanks for that mate and I'll be round tonight with a tanker full of fizzy lager and a cheque for 10 grand to thank you for being so generous with your characteristics.

Oh and by the way I managed to nick that steering rack from work that you wanted for your motor.

Dateline March 24 2012 10.35am.

"Get the kettle on fuckface. Will be with you in 10 mins"

Bloody Mormons!

I had a text message, telling me my order for a:

Dear Ms Percival, ...... 'Training bra' was going to cost me an extra £4.40, due to unexpected cost in importing them from Romania?

I tried emailing them back to explain that I was nearly a male (mind you my breasts are getting bigger and saggier as I gently age my way towards complete senility), but the address was not accepted/recognised?

Ah well, just thought I 'd mention it.

Inchcock

March 27 2012 13.21

DONT YEW TAWK ABART TULEEZA INN THE SPOOV! SHEE DIDENT WONT TO SUK 'IS COK! SHEEZ OUR ANGLE AND GOT FORSED INTWO IT. EYE'LL SMASH UR 'EAD IN YEW COKNEE FUK!

Love Mum xxx

My last text message I wrote in recent days was: Perhaps you're too immature and should just leave me alone!

Ellie

That would have stung whoever you sent it to Ellie..

Well done..


THIS IS MY FINAL WORD ON THIS SUBJECT..

Just got this one.

Ellie's dumped me. Caught me wearing her dress. If this gets out I'll kill myself. Get out of the forum Danton you maggot!

Love CJ x

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE WHO JUST CANNOT LEAVE IT ALONE.

Yes Maggot, Ellie HAS left me. Not a word from her for over a month. But who told you? It was meant to be private. The dress etc..

You fucking b*****d.

Glorying over another chap's broken heart.

Sobs and sniffs

CJ

Sniffs, nicely inhaled - for fuck's sake.

Dateline Mar 29 2012 18.37

Sent.

IS THAT YOUR LAST WORD ON THIS ONE?

ONLY I WANT TO GO TO THE TOILET!

Lots of love and huggy wug wugs

Maggotypops x

Maggotypops x Are generally genial, or they yellowly post oppressive post scripts x-ray.

^^^^^^ cyber bully and Top Boy in the Acronym Boot Boys firm.

Probably part of a clique of some description.

I'm going NOWHERE!

Hah!

NOWHERE eh?

The old NOWHERE ploy?

Sorry, I seem to ave got lost...

Minotaur
Woolwich.

Now look here Danton.

I quite like you.

Which is somewhat surprising as you nicked me pork pie hat, took over me slot as resident Spoof miscreant, and despite that I caught you in bed with my secret lover just this afternoon.

So why can't we all live together?

The Grief Junkie
c/o Sir Matt Busby Way
Manchester M16 0RA

Dear Danton & Skoob..

NORMALLY I WOULD HAVE TEXTED YOU TWO TO GO STUFF YOURSELVES..

But tonight I'm feeling generous..

So F**K OFF!

Love

Wonky (Heartbroken by Ellie)

Ellie - lively, lovable, insanely exciting...

I've got the wrong thread again, haven't I?

I'll get me coat...