Discussion Forum

I was listening to Radcliffe & Maconie last week and Stuart Maconie said there was a range of hospital staff jokes along the lines of:

"Who are the coolest staff in the hospital?"

"The hip replacement guys."

But he could only remember that one. Anyone know t'others?

I went for some radiotherapy. I'm not sure how listening to Terry Wogan is meant to make me feel better.

I couldn't wait for the NHS to see me over my ingrowing toe-nail, so I went private. I'm an impatient.

I have an appointment to see the psychiatrist about my chronic phobia of darkness. I'm a day patient.

I have an appointment to see the psychiatrist about my confusion over my sexuality. I'm an out patient.

Poor people have penicillin, the rich have tendollarcillin.

I'll finish for now with a cracker joke:
Why can't pirates take headache tablets? Because the paracetamol (parrots et em all...duh).

Iain

One of the scripts I have written recently is set in a hospital radio. All hospital radios have a list of songs that you MUST NOT play. So there are running jokes among hospital radio DJs of songs that push this boundry. Like Terry Jacks, Seasons in the Sun, and the like, or Europe - The final countdown. etc and so on.

A friend of mine who is a nurse has a running joke with her colleagues when they have people who are DOA, they mark them down on the form as a time waster. Apparently that just gets funnier when you are dealing with it everyday.

I'm sick of hospital jokes.

Regards

Skoob.

They make me ill too, Skoob. Are we confined to hospitals only?

-Bureau

Well my inquiry concerns a particular set of jokes that apparently exists... like the lighbulbs, or "what do you call a bloke with..." kind of thing.

But, hey...

A woman goes to her gynecologist to have him take a look at her you-know-what.

He gets down on his knees and says, "Well, it looks okay, but I'd like to take a closer look. First, I'll have to numb it, though."

She says okay, so the doc buries his face in her muff and starts going, "Numb, numb, numb, numb ... "

The funniest hospital joke has got to be the one about the night nurse and the oxygen cylinder.

Can't remember all of it, but it certainly rates in the top ten for me.

If anyone can remember fragments of the joke then let me know as it would be a shame to lose it.



Gin and tonic please nurse

This one's from Dave Spikey - Jerry out of Phoenix nights:

"My mate was an intensive care nurse, and he was on duty one night in the ICU when a bloke in an oxygen mask gestured to him.

"The guy was in a bad way. Face all stitched up, assisted breathing, wired up to everything but mains electricity.

"My mate leaned over him, and the bloke murmered:

"Are me testicles black?"

"Me mate was horrified. He was only a nurse, and he didn't see why he should have to start ogling somebody's bollocks, so he alerted a senior nurse, a big lass, who leaned over him as he murmered through the oxygen mask:

"Are me testicles black?"

The nurse, a strapping brunette, whipped the sheets back and examined the man's bollocks. She even took them in hand.

"Sir," she said, "There is nothing amiss with your testicles. You have a lovely big pair of plums there, and they aren't black. They're perfectly splendid plums for a white man. Don't worry about a thing."

"Are me testicles black?" the patient demanded shrilly.

Exasperated, the buxom brunette went off and brought one of her colleagues, who looked a lot like Cheryl Cole. The brunette nurse explained the problem, and the Cheryl Cole lookalike whipped the sheets back, and cradled the patient's testicles in her hand.

"Nah pet," she said. "Yer testicles aren't black. You've got a reet grand pair there pet - it's like holdin' a pair of big warm ball bearings in a velvet bag. Best set of Bollies I've seen in a while. Oh! Had on! You're twitchin'! You're gettin' all aroused! Oh my God!"

At which point, the distressed patient ripped off his oxygen mask and asked:

"ARE ME TEST RESULTS BACK?"

I'll get me coat...

You can see more of Dave Spikey on You Tube.

Skoob.

Great...

I spend eleven hours typing out a crap joke, and me mate - me fellow red - Jagged One goes and bumps it with an effing anagram.

I hate that bastard anagram 'game.'

Pissed off...

Skoob.

I found the full joke...

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy. When he's on holiday, it's the hip replacement guy.

There doesn't appear to be more of it than that. However, this has bumped Skoob back up.

Iain

Just because you're a pain in the ass doesn't mean you're qualified to be a proctologist.

Aha! IainB - Thanks mucho!

So a guy goes to the doctor with a bright orange Willie, not in any pain but concerned about the sudden change in color. The doctor asks him 50 questions about diet changes, stress levels, working conditions, chemicals he might work with, or a spouse who might be getting even for something while he slept.

The answer to all questions was "no", until the doctor asked about his sex life. "Well, yes", the man replied. "But I'm limited these days to my couch, some old porn and a bag of Cheetos"


Not sure what the British equivalent to those orange fake cheese covered corn puffs are, but you get the idea....

cheesy balls

Hospital Charts

Joke submitted by: Anonymous

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Oh please!

Stop it!

It's almost five am here - I'm just off to bed, and me step son launches this one!

I'm in fucking tears here!

As Roberto Duran said to Sugar Ray Leonard: NO MAS!

Ohhh - Good night.

Skoob

(I think)

Hospital jokes can be a real pain!

Specially when you are counting the days to an operation!

Thursday week

Hello everyone - I'm not really back, not yet anyway but so what - ouch that hurt!

Hilarious jokes...chokingly funny - even the true ones, expecially the true ones.

This isn't a hospital joke, but a teacher received a letter explaining her son's absence.

"Sorry Paul was not in school yesterday. He had diahorrea through a hole in his shoe!"

Lady G.


A dignitary was being shown around a Psychiatric hospital and was taken in to one room where one man was sitting reading and a second was hanging clinging with hands and feet, to a piece of wiring dangling from the ceiling.

The dignitary asked," Why is that man clinging to that wire hanging from the ceiling?"

The patient who was reading answered,

"Oh him? Thinks he's a bloody lightbulb."

Dignitary: "Well why don't you try and get the poor fellow down?"

Reading Patient: "Wo'? And read in the fucking dark?"

(Pardon the French!)

Lady G.

that the most funniest thing that i had ever considered..

True this:

I had a vasectomy at a young age. I was in agony for days.

Went to the hospital for a post op check up and explained that I'd had a great deal of excruciating pain. It felt I'd been stabbed up the groin with a red hot poker, and somebody was wiggling it about.

After everybody and his mother came to have a look at me poor tortured bollocks, cue an Indian Doctor, who had a good look at me gonads.

"You'll be fine," he said.

Then he slapped me bollocks!

The bastard!

"NNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!" or words to that effect escaped my lips as I tried to rip the bed to bits.

If I'd have caught that doctor....

I shudder to think what might have happened.

All better now, but it still sends a shiver down the old spine thinking about it.

That's true.

I wish it wasn't, but it is.

Bollocks

Skoob.

---

Quote: Lynton

Specially when you are counting the days to an operation!

Thursday week

Hello everyone - I'm not really back, not yet anyway but so what - ouch that hurt!

---

...Lynton: we'll be rootin' fer ya when they're rootin' around in ya!

freakin' stones must be boulders by now..they doing a caesarian?

mind the tube!

Get Well Soon & hurry back! Regards from Mdm. Morse!

One of my favourites:


Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.


If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.


If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.


If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, I'm in terrible pain all over my body!"

"Like where?" said the Doc.

"All over! Here, on my knee," he says pressing his knee cap, "here on my elbow, here on my chin, even here on my hair!!" he cried, pointing to his head.

"Let's have a look," said the Doc, calmly.

After a moment the Doctor steps back and says "I see what's wrong.....you've broken your finger!"