Facebook to introduce random breath tests

Written by Johnny Shlep

Sunday, 30 June 2019

image for Facebook to introduce random breath tests

Following a spate of drunken outbursts amongst its members, social networking giant, Facebook, are planning to introduce breath testing for those who appear to be posting under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesman for the company told reporters last night: "We have had an increasing number of alerts from our members, complaining of drunken misbehaviour on their timelines.

"These include reports of appallingly-spelt lewd remarks, threats of violence, and even the usage of capital letters to emphasise how serious the offending poster is being."

"In order to protect members who feel vulnerable and threatened, we have decided to introduce random breath tests for those posters we feel may have had one-over-the-eight.

"One of our newly-formed "Grog Squad" operatives will turn up at the house of the suspected inebriate with a breath test kit.

"Any member who returns a positive sample will be issued with an immediate life ban, and made to go out on a date with one of the deeply-unattractive women who appear on the Mature Dating websites that we constantly plug on our members' timelines."

This move comes just a month after rival social media giant, Twitter, introduced compulsory drug tests for users who follow Nigel Farage and Jacob Rees-Mogg.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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