Soaring quickly to the rank of most-liked Instagram photo, the “World Record Egg”, an account owned by Chris Godfrey, has single-handedly proven that unfertilized chicken eggs are more likeable than human children. This has been clear for a while, but this significant evidence has confirmed the suspicions of daycare owners and happy parents alike.
So why is this? Why have modern parents felt more connected to eggs than human children? After weeks of work, our private investigators have found the shocking truth by interviewing two happy parents of eggs and one happy parent of a human child.
“Honestly, I sorta hate kids. And by sorta, I mean… I really do. I had my first human when I was 19 and I hated it. I had to feed it and bathe it and clean it… it was honestly pathetic how the little thing couldn’t do these things itself. For a while, though, it felt like it was getting better, but when it got to a certain age, it was like a monster. It chewed up all of my happiness and I hated my life for a while. I couldn’t take it… but one day, when I was making pancakes for that little scumbag, I saw her. Her beautiful shell, speckled with lovely little imperfections… and oh, she was quiet and so still… I was just in love. She was my real child. Not that temper tantrum-throwing disgrace to humanity. So, I hung out with her, my egg, who was named Bella, for a while. So I took my human for a walk, and told it to pick up a penny for good luck. Gladly, that luck didn’t last long for it was in the middle of the road, and it was flattened by a speeding Greyhound bus. I paid for the funeral and all, and now I’m with Bella all to myself. I hang out with her everyday and have never been happier.” - Anonymous Egg Parent.
“I… I don’t know what to say. I just like eggs better, I guess. Like I mean, I’d rather eat a kid than an egg, and I’d rather love an egg than a kid. I don’t… I… please don’t make me do this. I’m sorry… just please… I… can’t live with myself for what I’ve done. I deserve to be punished for my actions. I won’t keep it hidden any longer, I… I was walking home, and… I dropped him. Right on the sidewalk, and, I was so ashamed and sad… so I tried to hide it. I picked up his shell and mopped up his yolk but… I just can’t live with myself. Please, tell my mom and dad that I have always loved them and that I’m sorry. Do with me what you wish…” - Charlotte Garrett, egg murderer.
“Okay, so, interesting story. I think it was a year ago when I had my first kid? I don’t know. I named him somethin’ stupid cuz I’m a celebrity. Anyway, I made a video where I smashed a few eggs and the egg responded by smashin’ a few kids. I still like kids tho. I like my eggs scrambled” - Kylie Jenner, Human Parent.
