Noah’s Ark Discovered in Brooklyn Navy Yard

Funny story written by Ryan McPherson

Saturday, 13 November 2021

image for Noah’s Ark Discovered in Brooklyn Navy Yard
Building 99, Brooklyn Navy Yard

Noah’s Ark, missing for thousands of years, has been found, in what scientists are describing as the greatest archaeological discovery in human history. The legendary boat turned up in a long-abandoned Brooklyn Navy Yard building.

Stunned archeologists confirmed the find after a shipyard worker stumbled on the world’s most famous boat.

“It was under a big tarp in Building 99,” said archeologist Dr. Chandra Khatri, of NYU. The building, constructed in the early 1930’s, is located in a little-used area on the south end of the old yard, near the corner of Dock Ave. and Fourth Street.

“Building 99 is rarely used,” said Tom Richardson, CEO of the Brooklyn Navy Yard Development Corporation. “It’s actually scheduled for demolition early next year to make way for new construction. The plan includes a concert hall and retail shops. It’s a good thing we discovered it’s value before we tore it down. I can’t even begin to imagine how something as historic as Noah’s Ark came to be stored there.”

“I was actually in the wrong building,” said construction worker Eddie Romero, the man who found the Ark. “My boss sent me looking for a pallet with these fancy bricks we use in some of the newer buildings. I saw this huge thing and decided to have a closer look.”

“Mr. Romero told his supervisor that he had found a huge, old, wooden boat. The supervisor called me. We went in there to have a look, and we were quite surprised at what we saw. We didn’t know at the time that it was Noah’s Ark. We knew it was extremely old, so I called Dr. Khatri.”

“Tom told me this boat was enormous, very, very old, and appeared to be constructed entirely of wood,” said Khatri. “It sounded intriguing, so I drove over here on my lunch break.

“The look on Dr. Khatri’s face was priceless,” said Richardson.

“My first thought was, this is what I imagine what Noah’s Ark would look like,” said Khatri. “The closer I looked, the more serious I got. I kept telling myself, no freaking way.”

“I suggested forensic testing,” said Richardson. “Within an hour, Dr. Khatri had a team swarming all over it.”

“We ran a flurry of tests,” said Khatri. “Some, multiple times, just to be certain. It is for sure, gopher wood, and the testing revealed it to be in excess of 7000 years old. I mean, holy shit!”

“Besides the archeological team, we invited a group of Biblical scholars,” said Richardson. “The Pope sent a group from Rome; we had scholars from Israel, and other countries. We wanted to cover all of the bases here. Of course, no one knows for sure exactly what the Ark looked like, but everyone involved agreed it couldn’t be anything else but Noah’s Ark.”

“People have searched for the Ark for millenia,” said Khatri. “This is just an astonishing find. I can’t hardly believe it’s right here in Brooklyn. We still have no clue how it got here.”

Yard records show that Building 99 was constructed in 1934, covering what had once been a dry dock. At that time, the yard belonged to the U.S. Navy, under the command of Rear Admiral Yates Stirling Jr. Unfortunately, the Navy could not offer an explanation. A Pentagon spokesman said no records existed showing this enormous boat in their possession.

“We can’t imagine how or when it got here,” said Khatri. “I’m quite certain someone would have noticed this huge, unusual boat sailing into New York harbor. Surely, someone would have seen it.”

“It’s a complete mystery,” said Richardson. “I can’t explain how no one ever saw it in this building all these years. It just confounds logic. Yet here it is.”

“I have to keep reminding myself,” said Dr. Khatri. “As utterly strange as it is that this thing has been sitting unnoticed for decades in the Brooklyn Navy Yard, the bigger picture is that we found freaking Noah’s Ark! How will anyone ever top that? No chance, baby. It’s clearly the greatest archaeological find in history - right here under our noses!”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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