Mafia Recruiting New Members - Many Open Positions

Funny story written by Ryan McPherson

Tuesday, 9 November 2021

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The New Mafia

Brooklyn, NY - The American Mafia is looking to recruit new members. The popular, long-running crime organization noted for murders, loan sharking, and generally beating the crap out of people, announced today on multiple social media platforms, a new push to bring fresh blood to the organization. Updated rules and standards were outlined for the various open positions.

“The old ways are over,” said Mob spokesman Stefano Micelli. “We are a different organization now. We want to be seen as less violent and more socially acceptable. We need the right people to help us move forward and promote our new look. It’s time we brought a new generation of mobsters into this thing of ours.”

The Mob has taken huge hits in recent decades. Leaders as well as rank and file members have gone to prison, gotten whacked, or simply disappeared without a trace. Once powerful Mafia families have seen their members resort to working legitimate jobs in order to keep bullets in their guns and food on the table. Now, many positions are open and ready to be filled.

“We have several families looking for new leadership - Dons, underbosses, consiglieres, capos,” said Micelli. “We also need just regular soldiers - the wise guys on the street who handle the daily stuff that brings in the money. It’s easier than ever to become a made guy in the new Mafia.”

Micelli reports that relaxed Mafia standards now require only one Sicilian ancestor, as opposed to the old rule of both parents being of Sicilian descent. The well known ‘Omerta’ policy - the Mafia code of silence and honor - is now amended to allow members to talk outside the organization regarding their or other member’s activities.

“We’re trying to be a bit less secretive,” said Micelli. “The old policy caused too much trouble, leading to mistrust among members and between families. We’re also looking to get away from the image most people have of us as a bunch of psychotic, murderous thugs. The updated policies help to create a modern, more open, friendlier, less deadly Mafia.”

New guidelines for becoming a made guy allow a wider variety of candidates, due to relaxing the previous rules requiring both parents to be Sicilian. Micelli noted it is no longer a requirement to kill someone to be ‘made.’ He also stated members are much less likely to get whacked, due to the new business model that encourages trust, even between rival families.

“The old mob wars really took a lot out of us. We want to promote more of the fellowship lacking in the old mob.”

The new model seeks to make the Mafia more attractive to younger people seeking a career.

“If you’re looking for new, exciting business and social opportunities, come on down and we’ll have a sit down,” said Micelli.

Call 1-800-hit-jobs, or log on to mafiafamilies.org and fill out an application.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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