God Helps Pence

Funny story written by Thelonius

Monday, 16 November 2020

image for God Helps Pence
Get thee some boxes

A voice was heard to ask “Do you need any boxes?” as President Trump walked away from his press conference this Friday, having again taken no questions from reporters. The craven President’s ears pricked up as he wondered whether he was being offered women somehow, until an aid told him that boxes were what his trailer park supporters would use to put their meagre belongings into when they moved from one broken down domicile to another. Trump shuddered as he always did when forced to consider the crassness of the Americans who voted for him.

The statement had been made to make fun of the fact that Trump’s fat ass was being kicked out of the White House; that he, himself, would be forced to move. It took a while before the President understood what had been intended by the comment. When he did understand, he became incensed. He demanded the name of the person who had spoken.

His minions (Trump will have minions for a few more weeks, but not the fun kind of minions) went back to the tape. They played it backwards and forwards and then upside down, and, after using triangulation like nobody’s ever seen before, were able to pinpoint that the source of the statement was not a fake news reporter, but a certain Michael Pence.

Contemporaneously, Pence was on his knees. Much of his Vice Presidency had been spent on his knees, but for a change, he was in the White House Chapel conversing with God.

"Massaging the voting machines seems to have worked, Lord. I wasn’t sure how we would ever get rid of the bastard. Oh! Excuse me Lord for I have sworn."

"Michael, Michael. No offence taken! Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice, etc.... Shit. I’ve forgotten how that one goes. It’s been a very long four years."

"Yes, I know, and I know that you see everything, Lord, so you know I got a zinger in at the speech today. I hope you enjoyed it. Mother thought it up for me."

"Yes. Yes. Delightful! Wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in... Shit! I kind of lost track of that one, too. Oh, well. Now Michael, go help the President find some fucking boxes."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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