New Study Suggests: Old People Aren't Racists, They're Just Assholes

Funny story written by Mac McKim

Monday, 29 June 2020

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New Research will help people shrug off mean comments from elders.

Michigan - A new study from the Great Lakes Sociological Research Institute suggests that old people aren’t racist, they’re just assholes.

The team has been conducting this study for two weeks and have recently come away with the fascinating results.

“Most of the old people tested were major assholes, though never ended up really showing signs of racism,” said head sociologist, Dr. Mike Santos. “We sat them down in a room of people from many different ethnic and racial backgrounds, and instructed them to pick one of them they thought was untrustworthy or poorly dressed etc,” he said. “Even though we instructed them to pick only one, 96% of participants went down the line and insulted every person presented to them.” He continued: “About 15% continued on after the group of people, and went on to insult my team and I. When instructed to stop, they would call us all ‘a bunch of hippie shrinks’, and leave the room.”

Reportedly, some participants were able to be questioned before they left the building, about their thoughts on racism. “About 20% told us to ‘shove it’, 50% said ‘it's stupid, just like your tie’, and the rest just made a fart noise and walked out,” said Dr. Santos. “This information was quite eye-opening to my team and I, as it brought on a new understanding of the older generation, and how they formulate the mean shit they say.”

Dr. Santos said that, next week, they will run the experiment on actual racists, and are excited for its results.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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