Man with beard vows to cycle around the world on a Peloton

Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

Tuesday, 4 February 2020

image for Man with beard vows to cycle around the world on a Peloton
Martin seen cycling across the Danube

Martin O'Haggis, a Newark, New Jersey native, has agreed to cycle around the world, on a contraption that represents a canoe with wheels, in a blatant marketing exercise which attempts to subdue people into parting with vast amounts of money.

During his epic journey, Martin has no plans to leave his grandmother's shed, which is located up a stick outside her pigeon loft, overlooking a beef dripping factory.

"I can't wait to see the pyramids of Italy, the famous statue of Gary Busey, an iconic sight, hosted in the Maltese village of Glossop, as well as the obelisk of Clifford, a landmark in northern Libya, that resembles a trucker burping.”

Martin did admit that was concerned about getting mugged in Cairo, getting a strange venereal disease, and taking inappropriate pictures whilst getting stuck on the remnants of the Berlin Wall. Another major concern was finding the right beard wax in the middle of the desert - a wax that insists Lisa Kudrow breathes over each pot.

Peloton Spokesminge, Hairy Warbler, issued the encouraging words of "Good luck, Martin. We hope he doesn't get annoyed by the incessant noise of the instructor in his ear, especially when he's throwing a bowl of Corn Flakes into his face."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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