Written by Dave Henry

Sunday, 9 September 2018

image for Are You Ready For Some Dumb Football Commercials?
Corporate marketers are ready to belittle and degrade ineffectual American consumers.

It’s that time of year again in America, football season. And football season means one thing, a barrage of stupid commercials that make people want to gouge their eyes out, cut off their ears, and smash their TVs.

Corporate marketers say they have a plethora of new commercials ready to debut that make their target audience, men 25 - 54, look like idiotic, ineffectual, childish man babies.

“This year I think we do a fantastic job of belittling and degrading the pathetic losers we want to buy our products,” said Mark Mathison, VP of Marketing at Pizza Wings Insurance, the worlds leading pizza and wings insurance company.

“The fact that we think so little of these morons who watch football really comes out in our new ad campaign,” said Mathison. “We expect that these dullards will recognize themselves in the stereotypical caricatures of weak, impotent men we have created in our ads.”

Corporate marketers also say they plan to use an abundance of NFL players in their ads.

“We want to portray these professional football players like super human super heroes that are so much better in every way than the normal fan,” said Mathison. “We show the slack jawed, castrated, sorry excuses for men interact with these super heroes, prostrating themselves before these gods to reinforce the idea that they are not worthy.”

Mathison hopes that by glorifying the average jabroni’s mundane existence, the pizza insurance company will make them laugh at their own failings and feebleness. And if they are laughing, they’ll feel good about his company’s products.

“The point is, We really hate the average American who likes football. And because they have such low self esteem and a lack of identity in their real lives, it kind of all just works,” explained Mathison.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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