Donald Trump Comes Out as a Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Sunday, 28 January 2018

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Washington, D.C.--President Trump announced this week, at a press conference, "My proper pronouns are 'I, I,' and 'I' and 'me, me,' and me,'" and then came out, to the waiting press corps and the world, as a "Cisgender Anti-inclusive Racist-fluid Bi-phobic Trans-Republican."

When asked by CNN's Jim Acosta to elaborate on what he said, Trump replied, "Well, Jim, even though you represent the Fake News, let me explain. You all know, of course, that I'm" (squinting at the teleprompter) "Kiss--er, I mean--Cisgender. It's well known that my button is bigger than just about any man's in this room, or the world, for that matter; and my button can only be used for one purpose, which often begins with grabbing women by the puss--er, genitals. But I am also Anti-inclusive and Racist-fluid, because I believe that black lives do matter, but police lives matter even more. And that even though Charlottesville was a horrible, horrible event, there were good and bad people on both sides."

"But Mr. President, how do you explain the term 'bi-phobic,' Sir"? asked another reporter in the room.

Mr. Trump replied, looking off again to the teleprompter, "Well, I think 'biphobic' is much too" (squinting hard at the teleprompter) binary, much too limiting in scope, for me. Hell, the truth is, I'm Omni-phobic. I'm a great Omni-phobic. I'm the best Omni-phobic you'll ever meet! In fact, I'm afraid of just about everything--sharks, the Deep State, gays and queers, Jay-Z, Oprah, germs, Robert Mueller, brown-skinned people--you name it, I'm afraid of it!"

When April Ryan, of American Urban Radio Network, asked Mr. Trump to explain the term 'Trans-Republican,' the President explained, "It's clear, April, that labels are very, very limiting. And although I spent most of my life as a Democrat, and I can both love and hate Cryin' Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi at the same time, I strongly adhere to most of the principles of the traditional Republican Party under Steve Bannon, including high tariffs to curtail free trade, ballooning the federal deficit through tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires, and providing opportunity to all white people in this great country, including Norway. But I'm willing to throw all that out the window for a good deal. Because I'm a dealmaker, you know. Just ask Lindsey Graham, who both loves me and hates me at the same time."

At that point the President cut short the press conference, saying he had a dinner date that night with Amoroso, Lindsey Graham, Cryin' Chuck Schumer. and Stephen Miller, who will serenade the President with his hit 70's song "Fly Like an Eagle": "Time keeps on slippin' , slippin', slippin' / Into the future."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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